1. Girl has 56 stars tattooed on face after “falling asleep” [via Telegraph] Why this ISN’T funny: She’s stuck with 56 stars permanently drawn on her face. Why this IS funny: She only wanted 4.
2. GPS Satellite Glitches Fuel Concern On Next Generation [via WSJ] Why this ISN’T funny: This thing coordinates missile launches and smart bombs. Why this IS funny: Because this is what happens when SkyNet becomes self-aware.
3. E-Mail Surveillance Renews Concerns in Congress [via NYT] Why this ISN’T funny: The NSA basically reads our e-mail whenever they feel like it. Why this IS funny: An NSA grunt is probably trapped in a basement somewhere right now reading ads for “male enhancement.”
4. Clinton consults predecessors on troubled world [via Breitbart] Why this ISN’T funny: Because if all but one living former secretary of state agreed to be in the same room with Hills, then you know we’re f’ed. Why this IS funny: “No details about the conversation or menu were immediately available.”
5. Slabs of cocaine found hidden inside frozen sharks in Mexico [via Times Online] Why this ISN’T funny: Last year over 6,300 people died in Mexico in drug-related violence. Why this IS funny: Just imagine Jaws on coke.