Liz Lemon, 30 Rock “Valentine’s is the worst. It’s even worse than Earth Day. You just see so many dirty feet in sandals.” — Liz Lemon
If there’s one thing we know for sure about Liz Lemon, it’s that Valentine’s Day is her least favorite holiday. Proclaiming, “Valentine’s Day is a sham created by greeting card companies to reinforce gender stereotypes,” Liz even goes as far as to invent Anna Howard Shaw Day, a holiday celebrating the February 14th birthday of women’s suffrage leader Anna Howard Shaw. But wait, did we really see Ms. Lemon succumb to the sweet Valentine’s antics of James Marsden on last week’s episode? Maybe, but our favorite “night cheese” enthusiast still insists that Valentine’s Day is worse than dirty Teva feet.
Pierce Hawthorne, Community “Valentine’s, crapentine’s.” — Pierce Hawthorne
In a good ol’ Valentine’s Day episode of Community, Pierce copes with his hatred for the “crapentine’s” holiday by inexplicably popping little white pills. With said pills comes a tiny hallucinatory Andy Dick, who proceeds to successfully seduce Pierce. Yeah, we’ll pass on those.
Lisa Simpson, The Simpsons “Romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece.” — Lisa Simpson
In the “I Love Lisa” episode of The Simpsons, Lisa tosses Ralph the infamous I Choo-Choo-Choose You pity Valentine that sparks the little Wiggum’s overwhelming statements of love. Sadly and inevitably, his heart rips in half.
Dwight Schrute, The Office “My perfect Valentine’s Day? I’m at home, three cell phones in front of me, fielding desperate calls from people who want to buy one of the 50 restaurant reservations I made over six months ago.” — Dwight Schrute
It might be a little late in the Valentine’s game to pull a Dwight Schrute and make a few dozen reservations for tonight, but it’s worth a shot and the potential profit, eh?
April Ludgate, Parks and Rec “April hates Valentine’s Day. And brunch, and outside, and smiling.” — Andy Dwyer
It’s no surprise that April Ludgate hates Valentine’s Day. As Andy is quick to acknowledge, she pretty much hates everything. Even so, April still manages to win the Parks and Recreation Valentine’s episode by sweetly planning Ann’s secret end-of-the-night date.
Linus van Pelt, Peanuts
Have you ever concocted a master plan to capture your crush’s heart on Valentine’s day? In a Charlie Brown TV special, Linus van Pelt has the hots for his teacher, but soon learns that his feelings are not mutual. In a fit of unrequited love-fueled rage, Linus takes the teacher’s chocolates and angrily tosses them out, one by one. How do you think Sally feels, Linus?
Robin Scherbatsky, How I Met Your Mother “We don’t care about some stupid sexist corporate holiday.” – Robin Scherbatsky, How I Met Your Mother
To make an anti-Valentine’s Day statement, Robin and a few co-workers dress in purple to express their non-pink female power. Barney, of course, finds the whole thing ridiculous, and mocks Robin’s friends until they cry.
Johnny “Drama” Chase, Entourage “I remember I broke up with Stacy Laruzso a week before Valentine’s Day. I got back with her a week after. No chocolates, no roses…” — Johnny Drama
If you’re looking to save a few bucks this week, why not break up with your significant other and reunite post-V-Day? Kidding, don’t ever follow Johnny Drama’s lead.
Squidward, Spongebob Squarepants
In a Valentine’s Day episode of Spongebob Squarepants, Squidward shreds his Valentine from Spongebob and spends the rest of the holiday MIA. Because, y’know, Squids hate Valentine’s Day.