A Dramatic Retelling of the Will.i.am Vs. Perez Scandal, In the Words of Will.i.am Himself.

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It comes as no surprise that the Queen of Gossip, Perez Hilton, has pissed off someone new. The most recent crybaby is Will.i.am, who, at a Much Music Awards after-party in Toronto, confronted Perez about “disrespecting” Fergie. The ensuing confrontation apparently resulted in three quick jabs to Perez’s eye via the iron fist of The Black Eyed Peas’ manager.

Will.i.am and Perez have both posted response videos. Hilton’s account of the events is one of outrage and shame. Will.i.am’s video response, however, is something along the lines of an attempt to convince a teacher why you shouldn’t get a time-out for being a fool. Based on Will.i.am’s account of the after-party scandal we were able to craft a dramatic retelling of the story, using direct quotes as well as purely fictional ones to… fill in the blanks.

Tonight was a good night, but a crazy night in Toronto during the Much Music Awards.

8:55 We win an award for best international group. 1:00 Then we go to the after party and I’m DJing at a club called “Otra.” 1:10 Fergie approaches Perez Hilton and says,

Fergie: “Do you have a problem with me” Perez: “No I just… don’t like your record.”

Supposedly these two are friends.

Fergie: My lovely lady lumps! Perez: Lookin’ at my humps humps! Fergie: You mean “moobs.” Perez: Whatever, let’s go shopping!

1:15 And he just really disrespects her, just digs in, and hurts her feelings.

Perez: OMG, you are like, such a balding ho, like, your record is so lametastic. I drew five penises on it yesterday. Ew! Fergie: You really hurt my feelings, Perez.

1: 32 I don’t even know what gives this guy the authority to be so rude like that. Then Fergie comes to me and she’s very emotional.

Fergie: I’m so emotional right now.

1:33 And I’m seeing her get all emotional from a dude that doesn’t deserve to have that kind of effect on someone so sweet.

Will.i.am: You’re getting so emotional from a dude that doesn’t deserve to have that kind of effect on someone so sweet.

1:37 And he was blatant and loud about it, so much that he felt uncomfortable and left the club.

Perez: I HATE YOU FERGIE. I HATE YOU!!! Ten penises on the next thing I write about you, did you hear me??? TEN! Fergie: Yo, I’m so emotional right now. Perez: TEN!!!! I feel uncomfortable, I’m leaving.

1:40 So then Fergie comes to me and she tells me how she feels.

Fergie: I’m so emotional.

1:41 Then I see Perez and I go up to him and say,

Will.i.am: “Hey, can you do me a favor, Perez?” Perez: “I can’t keep any promises.”

So I say,

Will.i.am: “Okay, can you not be so blatantly rude with our group on your website? It’s one thing to express your opinion — everyone has a right to, but don’t be blatantly rude. You don’t have to be disrespectful.”

So then he says,

Perez: “I don’t respect you!” Will.i.am: “What? Okay, if you don’t respect me, that’s cool, you don’t have to respect me, but I respect you. I don’t know you, but I have to give my respect regardless if I know you or not, because that’s just how my mama made me.”

1:42 So then he says, in front of everyone,

Perez: “That was very faggot of you for coming at me like that.” Will.i.am: “Wow! Keep our name out of your mouth if you’re going to keep being disrespectful!”

1:43 So then this dude says,

Perez: “You’re a faggot Will-I-Am.”

So, I’m like,

Will.i.am: “Wow, dude, wow, whatever dude.”

1:47 And then one of the fans gets all crazy and starts stuff with Perez Hilton.

Fan: AHH!!! I HATE CELEBS. FERGIE HAVE MY CHILDREN! Perez: OMG, he kicked me! I’m bleeding!

2:00 And I’m just sitting there waiting for a car and what not. It sounds like someone just wants mad attention and isn’t concerned with his health.

Perez: I am a human being. Violence is never the answer.

Will.i.am: I didn’t hit you. Stop twitting that I did. Shame on you. Shame on your behavior. That’s just messed up.

But it just goes to show you how crazy things can get. People make a career from opinion, which is cool, but don’t be disrespectful about it. And fans, don’t get all crazy about it.

That’s all I gotta say today, tonight was a good night, but it ended kinda crazy. I’m on my way to London, peace.