Mean Netflix Reviews of Experimental Films

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It may sometimes frustrate us, but in general, Netflix is a wonderful thing. While it was once difficult to see small, avant-garde, or foreign films if you didn’t have access to an art house theater or a local video rental place with a wide selection, it’s greatly democratized distribution for movies that fall far outside the mainstream. But with greater viewership comes a wider range of opinions — including those of people who probably didn’t realize what they were in for when they clicked a button to stream Andy Warhol’s Flesh. After the jump, we’ve rounded up some of the funniest negative reviews of experimental films we could find, from the disappointed to the pithy to the just-plain-didn’t-get-it.

Un Chien Andalou, dir. Luis Buñuel and Salvador Dalí

“My best friend in 8th grade made me watch it at his house. I don’t know where he got it from. All I remember was the part with the eye. It was a weird movie.”

“If you have ever wondered why artists have a reputation of producing nothing of value, and subsisting entirely off of government funding programs, this movie is a good example of why. Its not sureal. Its not sublime. Its not thought-provoking or inspiring. Its stupid. Plain and simple. And all this stuff still exists today, funded by the National Endowment of the Arts, who pay people to produce this nonsense because no sane person would ever buy it on the market.”

“The fun tidbits where eyeballs are being slashed and dead donkeys are on pianos arent prolific enough to make this a worthwhile film.”

“I don’t consider silent movies to be movies at all. You have to have sound, people talking for it to be a movie.”

Flesh, dir. Andy Warhol

“That the movie is listed in steamy comedies seems really off.”

“This is mind-numbingly awful. I can’t say it any better than that. This is the second movie with Dallesandro where he’s naked. Am I missing something? What was supposed to be so alluring about this guy? Note that I am a straight male–but even if I were anything else, I question whether I’d think Dallesando is so hot. This is one of the worst movies ever made. I’ll think twice before I rent any Andy Warhol movie again.”

“Honestly this is some of the worse acting I have seen in any movie. It lookslikeit was shot in 8mm but with sound. The actors seem completely stoned half the time. If it had not been a gay flick no one would have rated it above a 1.”

“While the generous ‘pickle-factor’ initially caught my interest the lack of scripting and direction killed it for me.”

La Jetee / Sans Soleil, dir. Chris Marker

“La Jetee was intersting and different. Sans Soleil went downhill quickly and ended the moment I saw a young giraffe dying. There is no excuse for that. Not one. It wasn’t even worth a rating at all.”

“I think I got a funny version of this disk… I have a photo story board instead of the actual film. Why, that would be madness to make a film without motion or sound. It would be like ordering a pizza but then saying “Hold the sauce.” And when the guy taking the order was like “Hold the sauce?!?” You were like “hold the crust too!” These films just go to show that art house pretension is just as annoying even in criterion edition.”

“With your right hand, press your fingers together, curl them until the index finger meets with the tip of your thumb, and then shake your forearm towards your belly-button as fast as you can. Do this for ninety minutes, and you’ve experienced this double feature. These two were completely forgettable and unmoving. Here’s what I remember: people sleeping on a subway, a cat shrine, and an in-depth analysis of Hitchock’s “Vertigo.” That’s all I got from this one. One of the most masturbatory films I’ve ever seen.”

Jeanne Dielman, 23 Quai du Commerce, 1080 Bruxelles, dir. Chantal Akerman

“After sitting through the whole three hours and twenty minutes of this empty canvas of a film, I wished it hadve been me that Jeanne Dielman stabbed in the neck – but a lot sooner.”

“If you like watching ordinary Belgians have mundane conversations over bowls of split-pea soup, then Jeanne Dielman, 23 Quai du Commerce, 1080 Bruxelles is the film for you! If you dont, good luck…”

“I got up from the bed. I walked to the TV table. I pushed the button that opened the drawer on the DVD player. I removed the “Jeanne Dielman” DVD. I replaced it in the sleeve and replaced the sleeve in the envelope. I removed the covering on the gummed strip on the envelope flap, sealed the envelope and placed it on my brother’s desk for mailing. Later in the day, when my brother, who was otherwise occupied, asked me to handle the mailing myself, I put the envelope in the mailbox and raised the mailbox’s red flag. Later still, I heard the whir of an engine down front. When I went outside, I found the red flag down again, the yellow flag up (meaning there was mail in the box) and the envelope gone. All this was slightly more entertaining than this movie.”

By Brakhage: An Anthology: Vol. 1, dir. Stan Brakhage

“Pretentious and boring. If you liked Un Chien Andalou you’ll be disappointed in this. The most interesting parts for me were the autopsy scenes but the way they were cut up into bits and pieces higgly piggly (the film–not the cadavers) made me feel like a voyeur. I’d rather watch a complete autopsy film without the artsy treatment.”

Koyanisqaatsi: Life Out of Balance, dir. Godfrey Reggio

“This movie is seriously like a screen saver, it repeats itself for an hour and a half and it was not even interesting to start with. I am all for symbolic art and creative film making but this move supposedly gives a message that is not clear at all. Some of the movie is random shots of people just doing normal things yet is supposed to be life out of balance. This movie is very pretentious.”

“I don’t like to think. I don’t like to think. I don’t like to think. I don’t like to think.”

“The translated title lets you know what the intent of the film. It is to convince you that humans are the source of all that is wrong with the world and the world would be better off without us… I doubt if the production was made without the benefits of what other humans have accomplished. The cameraman did not ride Pegasus to get those amazing arial shots.”

Films of Kenneth Anger: Vol. 1

“What a stinking pile of self-indulgent TURD. Absolute nonsense. Unless, of course you enjoy the pompous, pretentious idocy of the “French Cinema” style. We fast-forwarded through the entire disc and it was still barely tolerable. Some (Spielberg and Altman fans) will love it though, I’m sure.”

Last Year at Marienbad, dir. Alain Resnais

“I’d like to respond to this movie in the same way it was presented to me, with the same respect for the intelligence of the viewer as Renais showed to them: I saw Marienbad and didn’t see it, loved it and detested it, can’t remember a thing about it but the details are driving me crazy, admired the man but thought him a jerk, loved the woman’s clothes and thought them bargain basement, learned so much from watching it and felt it one of the greatest wastes of time i’ve ever been involved in. As a movie I rate it highly, on a par with Mickey Mouse.”

“This film is not too bad when viewed at 2x faster with the mute button on.”

Damned If You Don’t, dir. Su Friedrich

“This was week. I was hoping it would be full of awesome nun sex, but its just a little boob at the end.”

Enter the Void, dir. Gaspar Noé

“The main actress [Paz de la Huerta] looks like a salami with a face.”

“There is a shot in this film where a phallus ejaculates onto the camera. If that had been the only thing that happened in the film then maybe I’d give this another star because at least the director’s intentions would seem a lot clearer.”