Image credit: The Idler
For a long time the main thing that’s bothered me is procrastination. Like right now. I’m procrastinating instead of doing my job.
In the old days humans hunted and were hunted by mastodons and wolverines and such, but now we sit in front of computers. We got no excitement. So I procrastinate. Piss people off. Barrel through deadlines. Living la vida loca. Am I wrongheaded about all this?
Bret Thurber Las Vegas, NV
Dear Bret: You sound like a real card. You sound like you really got a clever mind and you’re always spinning your wheels about some-whatsit crazy business. Mastodons??? What a nut. “That Bret,” your friends must say, “he is quite a kook. I hope his wife has a baby into his mouth and it gets lodged in his throat and he chokes on his own stupid baby.” Louis
I cut up an old backpack to make my own Baby Björn. He doesn’t seem to like it much. Any advice on how to make it more comfortable or entertaining for the kid?
Paula Winchell Winnipeg, Canada
First of all, I don’t believe you. I have owned three Baby Björns and I can assure you that you couldn’t make one out of a “cut up” old backpack.
Second of all, Baby Björns are stupid. Just carry your ugly, ugly kid or let him walk next to you as you live your shit life. Don’t make him hang on your sad, flat, old, pimply, sweater-wearing chest.
Third of all, I hate you because you leave things out of every sentence. “He doesn’t seem to like it much.” Who?! Who the fuck are you talking about, you lazy cunt?!
“Any advice?” Do you mean, “Do you have any advice?” You left out the “Do you have” part. I hate people who talk like that. They also say things like “Fact is. . .” Get your goddamn hands out of your pockets and say an entire sentence! And please take the entire town of Winnipeg and shove it up your mom’s asshole. Louis
I took my baby girl out for a walk last week and a teenage boy passed me in the street and told me I was “a total MILF.” What does this mean? Should I be insulted?
Dear Cindy: MILF is a common acronym used by teenagers these days. It stands for “Ugly Bitch Who Lies about Some Kid Calling Her a MILF.” He didn’t say it and you know it. Why don’t you tell me the real story? You were taking your baby girl for a walk when nobody walked by and nobody said anything. Because you are invisible to the caring world. Oh my god. What is wrong with me?
From the book CARE TO MAKE LOVE IN THAT GROSS LITTLE SPACE BETWEEN CARS? by The Believer © 2012 The Believer, Inc. Reprinted with the permission of Vintage Books, an imprint of the Knopf Doubleday Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc.