10 Pop Culture Characters Addicted to Sweets

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Even though Murphy Brown never trusted Girl Scouts, because they “wear paramilitary uniforms while reciting oaths and starting fires,” we’re still celebrating Girl Scout Cookie Week (an event that should be year-long, really). With sugar on the brain and woefully empty pockets, we’re looking at pop culture characters in film and television that are addicted to sweets. Yes, these on-screen personalities would be thrilled if you intravenously fed them confections day and night — and we can’t say we blame them. Sweet crystalline substance abusers await you past the break. Tell us if we missed your favorites in the comments below.

The Golden Girls

Cheesecake was the glue of Dorothy, Sophia, Rose, and Blanche’s friendship. Every episode featured the girls gathered around the kitchen table with forks in hand, talking out their problems, and sharing pivotal moments from their own lives — including Rose’s nonsense stories about St. Olaf and Sophia’s wildly exaggerated tales of romance. It was always funny, sometimes heartbreaking, and quintessentially the girls.

Cookie Monster

The inventor of “Om nom nom” and lover of all things chocolate chip, Sesame Street‘s cookie monster can demolish a box of crispy treats like nobody’s business. If you grew up watching the jovial, blue monster singing songs about cookies, it probably felt a little weird when childhood obesity became such a concern that Cookie Monster was forced to change his tune. “Cookies are a sometimes food,” is now his mantra. We’ll stick with the song we love best instead.

Kevin Malone

The Office‘s Kevin Malone is a real-life cookie monster, right down to his low-pitched, gravelly voice — as Oscar has mockingly pointed out before. Robert California confused his obsession for cookies with a brilliant business philosophy, and the latest episode “Last Day in Florida” saw Toby and Daryl fighting over Kevin for Girl Scout cookie sales — which the big guy gleefully tried to exploit to his advantage.

Agent Dale Cooper

While Twin Peaks‘ super agent man Dale Cooper appreciates a damn fine cup of coffee and the occasional jelly donut (the police station is always stocked with them), cherry pie is his signature dessert. His philosophy? Give yourself a present once a day. Coop believes good, hot, black coffee is a great gift, but he prefers to pair it with the Double R Diner’s slice of homemade pie for maximum pleasure.

Helen Sharp

Golden Hawn’s Helen in Death Becomes Her eats her weight — and feelings — in frosting before guzzling the movie’s magical, eternal youth potion. Sometimes you have to hit an all-time low before you can lift yourself up, which explains Helen’s kitchen cabinets full of canned cake frosting — and cats.

Kojak

Does Kojak slowly seduce his signature lollipop by murmuring a sweet “Who loves ya, baby?” We imagine so — but the sucker that Telly Savalas’ NYC Police Detective Lieutenant constantly dangled out of the corner of his mouth was a way for the network to suggest that Kojak was trying to give up smoking. He explains it differently, though: “I’m trying to bridge the generation gap.”

Buddy

Santa’s adopted elf Buddy (Will Ferrell) drinks two liter bottles of Coca-Cola like water and views Italian cuisine in an unusual way. His preferred way of eating spaghetti is smothering it in sprinkles, mini-marshmallows, Hershey’s chocolate syrup, M&M’s, and Frosted Chocolate Fudge Pop-Tarts. Next stop, the North Pole — diabetes central? Population: everyone?

Norman Bates

Sex and consumption often went hand in hand for Alfred Hitchcock, and Psycho is no different. One way the director conveyed erotic passion and a voracious appetite for stimulation (including the murderous kind) was to shepherd an orally fixated character in Norman Bates. The sheltered and stunted Bates eats candy corn throughout the film — a device believed to be invented by Anthony Perkins himself — further emphasizing that his desires have grown out of control.

Leslie Knope

We’ve all had a Nutriyum bar moment. Former Vitaminwater fans, you know what we’re talking about. Parks and Rec‘s Leslie Knope (Amy Poehler) doesn’t know what’s in the “nutritional” bars she’s downing like crazy, but she does know they make her feel amazing. Luckily we can laugh about it at her expense. (We’ve hit replay on this video about 10,000 times, by the way.)

Deanna Troi

Supposedly actress Marina Sirtis doesn’t like chocolate, which is a shame considering her character Deanna Troi from Star Trek: The Next Generation absolutely adores it. Although she can be tempted with cocoa-colored anything, she prefers to savor the treat slowly and thoroughly as demonstrated in the below video. Riker seems to approve.

Bonus Pick: Nina

Portlandia‘s Nina loves cacao — at least in a abstract, safe word-loving way. Her boyfriend Lance would rather “row your boat.”