In case you haven’t noticed, we’ve been having a bit of a Mad Men week around here in celebration of season five premiering this Sunday, March 25 at 9pm. In honor of this momentous, head-swimmingly alcoholic occasion, we wanted to celebrate by having a drink with some of our other favorite television characters. Not just any drink, though. We composed a roundup of their preferred alcoholic beverages. It’s the polite thing to do, right? See what bottles of booze you should be bringing to this TV party past the break, and let us know what characters and libations you’d add to the list below.
Don Draper
Drink: Your basic, straightforward Old Fashioned — with rye whiskey (not bourbon), a few dashes of bitters, sugar, and ice. Don’s version of his favorite drink is the kind people were swilling in the early 19th century. In the context of Mad Men, it makes sense since Don seems like a self-assured, mid-century badass on the outside, but often has trouble coping with modern life.
Motto: “They say as soon you have to cut down on your drinking, you have a drinking problem.”
Lucille Bluth
Drink: A vodka rocks — particularly if it’s breakfast time. Wine is also fine, or a martini will do the trick, too. To be perfectly honest, we can’t really picture the Bluth family matriarch without a drink in her hand — outside of that brief, misguided stint at the spa in rehab.
Motto: “I’d have to get up pretty early in the morning to get drunk by 1 o’ clock.”
Homer Simpson
Drink: Duff Beer. It’s no secret that The Simpsons’ Homer loves drinking. He’s even besties with the town drunk, Barney Gumble. Everyone’s favorite animated, average American guy drinks the cheapest stuff around. We forgive the goofball for loving such a cruddy brand of booze, but his liver doesn’t.
Motto: “Here’s to alcohol: the cause of — and solution to — all of life’s problems.”
Monica Geller
Drink: Scotch on the rocks, with a twist, on a coaster (which we found out about in “The One with the Proposal”). When Friends’ obsessive neat freak Monica isn’t cooking, scrubbing things to a sparkling shine, organizing, and labeling everything she possibly can, she likes to let her hair down with a high quality surface protectant.
Motto: She’d tell you, but she’s too busy cleaning.
Barney Stinson
Drink: Canadian whisky. Just kidding! He’s a scotch man, too. But it doesn’t have to be $2500 bottle of scotch — as he and Ted find out in a Season 4 episode entitled “Intervention,” a $10 scotch tastes just the same.
Motto: “I want scotch, American scotch, from Scotland. Get that swill away from me!”
J.D.
Drink: Appletini (easy on the tini). Scrubs’ unicorn obsessive, scarf collector, and hater of pennies J.D. drinks the only thing that makes sense for a nerdy daydream lover like himself.
Motto: “A drunk clown hurt me once.”
Carrie Bradshaw
Drink: Cosmopolitan. What else would a Sex and the City girl with Manolo Blahniks, a pricey brownstone, and a truckload of insecurities drink? Plus, it’s pink!
Motto: “I’m not drunk, I’m sedated from my pain.”
Eddy and Patsy
Drink: Bolli Stoli — a mix of Bollinger champagne and Stoli vodka. Substance-abusing Ab Fab drama queens Eddy and Patsy overindulge with only the most fashionable-sounding drinks — preserving their imagined youth and what’s left of their dignity with distilled spirits.
Motto: “What will you drink if you stop drinking?”
Ron Swanson
Drink: Snake Juice (a potent Four Loko-esque blend) — courtesy of Tom’s entrepreneurial spirit. Best enjoyed while dancing like the beloved Parks and Rec character.
Motto: “In general, I try never to speak with people, but I have been drinking this Snake Juice thing, and it’s damn good. You should buy it … Son! You should know that my recommendation is essentially a guarantee … Drink this. Now!”
Liz Lemon
Drink: White wine with ice cubes and Sprite — she calls it “funky juice.”
Motto: “That’s my drink, I keep a thermos of it by my toilet!”
Everyone on HBO’s Boardwalk Empire
Drink: Canadian Club whisky. We always want what we can’t have, which is why the boozy good times never end on Boardwalk Empire. The entire cast of the Prohibition-era series loves their alcohol, particularly Canadian Club whisky — the bootleggers drink of choice. (The real Al Capone supposedly loved it, too.) If the cast had some advice for you it would be to have a rollicking good time while visiting Atlantic City, but tip your bartender, and drink with eyes in the back of your head. Those politicians can’t be trusted.
Motto: “I’ll take a whisky and a statement on the record.”
Tyrion Lannister
Drink: The Imp is well-known for his love of women and drink, but he’s not really that picky when it comes to enjoying either. Ale or wine — really, whatever is readily available is fine, particularly when he’s in the mood to play “the exposition and backstory game” with Bronn and Shae.
Motto: [When asked how he’d like to die] “In my own bed, at the age of 80, with a belly full of wine and a girl’s mouth around my cock.”