Hugh Laurie’s 20 Funniest House-isms


After eight years as your favorite cranky-but-brilliant TV doctor, tonight Dr. Gregory House will bring his signature snark to the small screen for the last time tonight in the medical drama’s two-part series finale. Will Hugh Laurie deliver such classic House mantras as “everybody lies” or “we’re missing something”? Will we get one final taste of his character’s extreme fondness for metaphors? As House memorably quipped in the pilot, “Treating illness is why we became doctors. Treating patients is actually what makes most doctors miserable.” In homage to his character’s unique way with words over the course of the past eight seasons, we’ve rounded up a selection of our favorite darkly funny House-isms after the jump. Be sure to add any zingers we missed in the comments!

“Ramona, you naughty girl. Either you’ve got yourself an 18-year old boyfriend or an 80-year old with little blue pills.” – Season 1, “Love Hurts”

“Are you comparing me to God? I mean, it’s great, but so you know, I’ve never made a tree.” – Season 1, “Role Model”

“Like I always say, there’s no ‘a’ in team. There’s a ‘me,’ though, if you jumble it up.” – Season 1, “DNR”

“Everybody’s great when they’re half-dead.” – Season 2, “Euphoria” Part 1

“Dying people lie too. Wish they’d worked less, been nicer, opened orphanages for kittens. If you really want to do something, you do it. You don’t save it for a sound bite.” – Season 2, “Hunting”

“You ever notice all of the self-sacrificing women in history, Joan of Arc, Mother Theresa…can’t think of any others, they all die alone. Men, on the other hand, get so much tang it’s crazy.” – Season 2, “TB or Not TB”

“You know me. Hostility makes me shrink up like a… I can’t think of a non-sexual metaphor.” – Season 2, “Spin”

“How come God gets credit whenever something good happens? Where was he when her heart stopped?” – Season 3, “Human Error”

“First, ‘Hector does go rug’ is a lame anagram. Want a better one for Gregory House? ‘Huge ego, sorry.'” – Season 3, “House Training”

“Even fetuses lie.” – Season 3, “Fetal Position”

“You’ve never seen an after school special? Dawson’s Creek? How do you get to thirty and not know about condoms?” – Season 3, “One Day, One Room”

“Go up his rear and get a smear. Which reminds me, kinda feel like a bagel.” – Season 3, “Lines in the Sand”

“Is this an intervention? You’re a little late, since I’m not using drugs anymore. I am, however, still hooked on phonics.” – Season 3, “Cane and Able”

“Good news is, he’s running out of organs to fail.” – Season 4, “No More Mr. Nice Guy”

“You think your dad wants to kill you because you’re so ugly? Be grateful, anywhere else in the animal kingdom, your parents would’ve eaten you at birth.” – Season 4, “Ugly”

“I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m about to drive into a tunnel in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.” – Season 5, “Both Sides Now”

“I need a script for sleeping pills. Neighbor’s dog has been keeping me awake, and is strangely invulnerable to poison.” – Season 5, “A House Divided”

“Shocks without shock, an itch that won’t stop. She needs Dr. Seuss.” – Season 5, “The Greater Good”

“Successes only last until someone screws them up. Failures are forever.” – Season 6, “Darkness”

“That a pill in your pocket or are you just happy to have a tiny pill shaped penis?” – Season 6, “Help Me”