The Teachings of Ron Swanson: 25 Quotes to Live By


It’s Nick Offerman’s 42nd birthday, folks! How will you fill this meat tornado of a day? With bacon? Shrimp wrapped with bacon? Burgers? Ribs? More bacon? Really, if you have yet to hit up the nearest diner and demand all the bacon and eggs they have, you’re already behind. Today is a day to channel your inner Swanson — eat everything on a buffet table, go fishing, fall in and out of love with a few people named Tammy. All the while, you should live your day to the Ron Swanson fullest, following every bit of advice he’s given. So, to honor the Parks and Recreation star on his birthday, we’ve compiled 25 crucial bits of Ron Swanson wisdom. Check ’em out after the jump, and remember: “birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards.”

1. “Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys to men. From men into gladiators. And from gladiators into Swansons.”

2. “Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.”

3. “Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.”

4. [On bowling] “Straight down the middle. No hook, no spin, no fuss. Anything more and this becomes figure skating.”

5. “I don’t want to paint with a broad brush here, but every single contractor in the world is a miserable, incompetent thief.”

6. “No home is complete without a proper toolbox. Here’s April and Andy’s: A hammer, a half eaten pretzel, a baseball card, some cartridge that says Sonic and Hedgehog, a scissor half, a flashlight filled with jellybeans.”

7. “When people get a little too chummy with me I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don’t really care about them.”

8. “The government is a greedy piglet that suckles on a taxpayer’s teat until they have sore, chapped nipples.”

9. “My only official recommendations are US Army-issued mustache trimmers, Morton’s Salt, and the C.R. Lawrence Fein two inch axe-style scraper oscillating knife blade.”

10. “Turkey can never beat cow.”

11. “It’s always a good idea to demonstrate to your coworkers that you are capable of withstanding a tremendous amount of pain.”

12. “There are three acceptable haircuts: high and tight, crew cut, buzz cut.”

13. “Capitalism: God’s way of determining who is smart and who is poor.”

14. “Crying: acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.”

15. “Fish, for sport only, not for meat. Fish meat is practically a vegetable.”

16. “There is only one bad word: taxes.”

17. “Cultivating a manly musk puts opponent on notice.”

18. “Child labor laws are ruining this country.”

19. “America: The only country that matters. If you want to experience other ‘cultures,’ use an atlas or a ham radio.”

20. “The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a safe distance. Do not stand too close when you light an ex-wife effigy.”

21. “Shorts over six inches are capri pants, shorts under six inches are European.”

22. “Friends: one to three is sufficient.”

23. “Honor: if you need it defined, you don’t have it.”

24. “One rage every three months is permitted. Try not to hurt anyone who doesn’t deserve it.”

25. “Only women shave beneath the neck.”

For more, as always, check out the Swanson Pyramid of Greatness.