This Week in Trailers: From Bond and Brad to Who-Cares Horror

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Every Friday here at Flavorwire, we like to gather up the week’s new movie trailers, give them a look-see, and rank them from worst to best — while taking a guess or two about what they might tell us (or hide from us) about the movies they’re promoting. This week’s six new trailers include new films with Brad Pitt, Daniel Craig, Nicole Kidman, Diane Keaton, Matthew McConaughey, Robert DeNiro, Susan Sarandon, Javier Bardem, John Cusack, and Zac Efron. Check ’em all out after the jump, and share your thoughts in the comments.

Silent Hill Revelation 3D

It’s a sequel to a movie adapted from a video game — but this time in 3D! And y’know, you wouldn’t think it’d be possible to want to see a movie less than you would just by hearing that description. And yet, if you watch the trailer…

The Big Wedding

Lets ask the pressing question first: on what planet does Katherine Heigl get billed over Diane Keaton? Let’s ask a couple more: Did the filmmakers realize that by casting Heigl and DeNiro, they were creating a New Year’s Eve reunion, and are they prepared to deal with the implications of that? Did the filmmakers realize that Robin Williams had already played a Catholic priest in a wedding comedy, and that the resultant film, License to Wed, was not exactly something you’d want to remind people of? Why can’t anyone write a role worth Diane Keaton’s time? And, seriously, DeNiro’s just picking scripts at random out of a pile on his desk by now, right?

Paranormal Activity 4

The original Paranormal Activity was a solid, slow-burn, low-budget chiller, but (alert the media) Hollywood can’t leave well enough alone, so they rushed back to the well to crank out a series of witless, gutless sequels. The latest looks like more of the same: cameras that are somehow always on, mysterious lighting cues, and dialogue like “I don’t know what it is, but I’ve been hearing a lot of noises.” And if you start thinking they’ve broken the mold by inserting a webcam chat into this one, fear not — they probably swiped it from the forthcoming V/H/S (which premiered at Sundance way back in January). Thumbs down; wake us when this franchise is over.

The Paperboy

Lee Daniels’ follow-up to Precious was the cause célébre of this year’s Cannes film festival; a sweaty slab of Southern pulp with an impressive cast, even its admirers had to admit it was all over the damn place. We’ve heard tell of water sports scenes and rough sexual escapades, and while they obviously can’t include that stuff in mass media, we’re struck by how this first trailer makes it look so utterly ordinary, like your basic, generic, possibly straight-to-DVD thriller. Maybe this advertising will pull a general audience that’s drawn to that cast, but the freaks and weirdos who (from what we’ve heard) might actually enjoy The Paperboy probably won’t give it a chance from what they see here. (For the record, we include ourselves in that “freaks and weirdos” camp.)

Killing Them Softly

In putting together our last two video essays, we logged considerable time admiring the awesome beauty of The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford, and that’s got us all the more excited for this reteaming of director Andrew Dominick and star Brad Pitt. And this trailer clinches the deal: good visuals, great cast, and (taking a cue from those great True Grit and Django Unchained trailers) the always-wise decision to use late-period, stripped-down Johnny Cash for musical accompaniment.

Skyfall

This trailer was probably gonna win the week anyway (I mean, c’mon, it’s a Bond trailer), but here’s what cinched it: that little move at 2:15, when he lands inside the boxcar that’s coming apart, and he fixes his cuff links. That’s what we’re there to see. Bravo, Mr. Bond.