Which Fictional Record Store Is Right for You?


Ready your Cosby sweater, top five lists o’everything, and your LP collection: High Fidelity arrived on Blu-ray today. The movie about mopey man-child Rob (John Cusack), who runs a record store and examines his failed romantic past while struggling through a breakup, largely takes place in a record store. Dick and Barry help Rob hold court at Championship Vinyl where the elitist music snobs mock their customers for their love of Stevie Wonder and more. Still, it’s the kind of place many of us would probably dig for vinyl gold.

If you can’t envision yourself hanging out at Rob’s shop while he organizes records in autobiographical order, why not take our quiz to find out what filmic record store is right for you? Share your scores below, and no peeking!

Which statement best describes your romantic philosophy? A. Everything I learned about love, I learned from sad British pop music and the movies. B. No time for love. Just the ol’ in-out, real savage. C. Love’s a bitch. D. My wife left me for another woman, and my girlfriend forced me to leave at gunpoint. Does this qualify me? E. Isn’t everything we do in life a way to be loved a little more?

What city would you love to go crate digging for vinyl in most? A. Los Angeles B. London C. Chicago D. Delaware E. Vienna

Who are your closest friends? A. My sister. She gives the best advice, even though I’m not always ready to hear it. B. My three droogs. C. My stalkery and sometimes annoying BFF who harbors a secret crush… on me. D. We work together. E. People I meet during my travels.

Which bands best describe your taste in music? A. The Smiths and Ringo Starr — because nobody loves him. B. Wendy Carlos, The Heaven Seventeen, Johnny Zhivago, Goggly Gogol. C. Otis Redding and new wave. D. Anything indie. E. Kath Bloom.

Which statement best describes your darkest moment? A. My post-breakup depression, and the junk food and booze bender that ensued. B. ULTRAVIOLENCE! C. When my rich boyfriend suddenly started ignoring me and wouldn’t take me to the prom. D. I tried to kill myself with a Lady Bic. A pink plastic razor with daisies on it and a moisturizing strip. E. When I remember how little I thought about the people I broke up with, and I realize that is how little they’re thinking of me.

Which statement best describes the craziest thing you’ve ever done? A. Drunk karaoke. Also, one time I quit my job and just started all over. B. I was bound up in a straight-jacket and my gulliver was strapped to a headrest with like wires running away from it. Then they clamped like lidlocks on my eyes so I could not shut them no matter how hard I tried. C. I went to my prom alone to show the richies that they didn’t break me. D. I shaved my head. E. I spent a romantic night with a stranger, wandering the city.

What’s the one thing people might not know about you? A. I hate Patrick Swayze’s “She’s Like the Wind.” B. One thing I could never stand was to see a filthy dirty old drunky howling away at the filthy songs of his fathers and going blurp blurp in between as it might be a filthy old orchestra in his stinking rotten guts. C. I don’t know what I’m doing! D. I want to save the place that I work from being sold, and the jobs of my friends that work there. Thus, striking a blow at all that is evil and making this world a better place to be in. E. I like to feel his eyes on me when I look away.

If you scored mostly A’s:

You belong in 500 Days of Summer’s record store having baffling conversations with your sweetheart about your favorite Beatle. You believe in boy meets girl, the power of greeting cards, the profundity of The Graduate (even though you don’t really get it), and unrequited love. Loneliness is underrated.

If you scored mostly B’s:

In the future, you’re hanging out in Chelsea with A Clockwork Orange . You play your fuzzy warbles and hear the angel trumpets and devil trombones proper. You have an insatiable desire for phallic frozen desserts.

If you scored mostly C’s:

You fit right in at Pretty in Pinks TRAX, mesmerized by Annie Potts’ wardrobe changes and all the ’80s wax. “Try a Little Tenderness” brings tears to your eyes, and you can lip-synch like nobody’s business. Love is confusing. Eventually you realize that James Spader is way cooler than Andrew McCarthy, but you probably should have ended up with Duckie.

If you scored mostly D’s:

You support indie artists while damning the man and the megastores at Empire Records ’ shop. Everyone there is a lovable mess, but you miss the days of teen movies that had substance and spirit.

If you scored mostly E’s:

You’re an impulsive and adventurous audiophile that feels at home in Before Sunrise . You believe in romance and magic (with the occasional doubt), honesty with strangers, trains over planes, and sexual tension.