In large, TV Guide Magazine‘s annual survey of television stars’ salaries is a soul killing, if rather predictable, reminder of how much more money you’d be making if only you’d decided that you wanted to be Ashton Kutcher when you grew up. Or Mark Harmon. Or Judy Judy. But there was one thing about the reported numbers that we found a bit surprising: Crystal the Monkey — a Hollywood vet who you might recognize from her previous roles in the Night at the Museum movies or The Hangover: Part II — will earn a whopping $12,000 per episode for her work on NBC’s new show Animal Practice. That’s a lot of money for one capuchin to spend. It’s also double what Mario Batali gets paid for his co-hosting gig on ABC’s daytime talk show, The Chew, a fact which has to make him want to hurl an orange clog at someone’s head. Click through to check out additional highlights from each category of the TV Guide survey; for the complete lists, you’ll need to pick up a copy of the mag.
Drama (per episode) Mark Harmon (NCIS): $500,000 Ellen Pompeo (Grey’s Anatomy): $350,000 Kevin Bacon (The Following): $175,000 Lucy Liu (Elementary): $125,000 Stephen Amell (Arrow): $30,000
Comedy (per episode) Ashton Kutcher (Two and a Half Men): $700,000 Kaley Cuoco (The Big Bang Theory): $300,000 Modern Family Adult Cast: $175,000 each Lea Michele (Glee): $75,000 Crystal the Monkey (Animal Practice): $12,000
Late Night (per year) David Letterman: $28 million Jay Leno: $25 million Jon Stewart: $16 million Craig Ferguson: $8 million Chelsea Handler: $8 million
Daytime/Syndication (per year) Judy Sheindlin (Judge Judy): $45 million Joe Brown (Judge Joe Brown): $20 million Kelly Ripa (Live! With Kelly): $20 million Sherri Shepherd (The View): $1.5 million Mario Batali (The Chew): $6,000 per episode
Reality Mariah Carey (American Idol): $17 million per season Howard Stern (America’s Got Talent): $15 million per season Pauly DelVecchio (Jersey Shore): $175,000 per episode Betty White (Off Their Rockers): $50,000 per episode Landry Family (Swamp People): $25,000 per episode
News (per year) Matt Lauer (Today): $21.5 million Bill O’Reilly (The O’Reilly Factor): $15 million Diane Sawyer (ABC World News): $12 million Anderson Cooper (Anderson Cooper 360 and Anderson Live): $11 million Robin Meade (HLN anchor): $750,000