Psycho Two words: Mommy issues.
The Night of the Hunter Two words: Daddy issues.
The Exorcist As a child, you had at least one scarringly violent vomiting episode.
The Amityville Horror Somehow, the idea of moving to Long Island has just never appealed to you.
Invasion of the Body Snatchers You are not now, and have never been, a member of the Communist Party.
A Nightmare on Elm Street The doctors are having a whole lot of trouble diagnosing your sleep disorder.
Suspiria You hope your exotic tastes will disguise your unhealthy obsession with teenage ballet dancers.
Salò, or the 120 Days of Sodom You hope your exotic tastes will disguise your unhealthy obsession with… ugh, I think I’m gonna be sick.
Scream You like scary movies — you just haven’t seen any since high school.
Scream 4 You like scary movies, and you’re currently in high school.
Rosemary’s Baby Since puberty, you’ve had a recurring nightmare involving a positive pregnancy test.
The Evil Dead You prefer urban vacations to rural ones.
Evil Dead II In school, you wanted to learn Sumerian.
Army of Darkness In school, you were big on live-action role-playing games.
Cabin in the Woods You watched the Evil Dead movies too many times in college.
Cat People You hate the Internet.
Paranormal Activity Ghost Hunters always disappoints you, but for some reason you can’t stop watching it.
The Blair Witch Project You are shocked — shocked — that your Flip Cam horror short didn’t get accepted to a single film festival.
Re-Animator You’re always pointing out that things are based on H.P. Lovecraft stories, like your geeky friends don’t already know that.
Hellraiser You are terrible at puzzles.
Nosferatu Vampire romance does nothing for you.
Bela Lugosi’s Dracula You’re constantly annoying people with awful faux accents.
Blood for Dracula, aka Andy Warhol’s Dracula You’d rather be watching Joe Dallesandro in Flesh.
Flesh for Frankenstein, aka Andy Warhol’s Frankenstein You, however, like Joe Dallesandro just fine as a stableboy.
Boris Karloff’s Frankenstein When other kids were playing outside, you were figuring out how to combine five chemistry sets and blow up your living room.
Bride of Frankenstein As soon as time travel is possible, you’re going to visit 19th-century England and make Mary Shelley tell you a story.
28 Days Later You fucking despise PETA.
Eraserhead You’re a vegetarian.
The Sixth Sense As far as you’re concerned, both M. Night Shyamalan and Haley Joel Osment are frozen in time in 1999, and thus can do no wrong.
Ringu, aka The Ring You are surprisingly receptive to the notion that TV poisons teenagers’ minds.
Let the Right One In You were a precocious child.
Let Me In You refuse to watch foreign-language films. Hey, if it’s a good enough movie, they’ll just make an unnecessarily shot-for-shot remake, eh?
The Silence of the Lambs You are highly suspicious of the psychiatric profession.
Poltergeist “Gated communities are evil, man.” — You
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre OK, so it’s not like you would actually make furniture out of bones, but you can’t say you don’t find the aesthetic attractive.
Saw There’s something about you that makes people uncomfortable.
Hostel You’re insanely jealous of spoiled rich kids whose parents pay for them to backpack around Europe.
Freaks You were not popular in high school, to put it mildly.
Cannibal Holocaust You are not popular now, to put it mildly.
Carrie Prom night did not go terribly well for you.
The House of the Devil You refer to your collection of ’80s VHS tapes as “vintage.”
Carnival of Souls You are obsessed with the possibility that you could be dead and not know it.
Eyes Without a Face You’re more superficial than you think.
The Birds At some point in your life, a bird pooped on your head and you just couldn’t laugh it off.
Audition You’re a woman men should watch out for — or a man who should watch out for women.
Night of the Living Dead Flu season terrifies you.
Dawn of the Dead “Consumerism is evil, man.” — You
The Shining You own at least one typewriter.
An American Werewolf in London Wuthering Heights wasn’t gory enough for your taste.
Halloween Halloween is your favorite holiday. In fact, it is the only holiday you like.