Are you having trouble sleeping? Can’t control your behavior? Neglecting friends and family? Is your computer usage interfering with your work life? Congratulations, you have been chosen as an ideal candidate for reSTART, the first Internet addiction rehab facility in the United States.
Located in Fall City, Washington, a short jaunt from Microsoft headquarters in Redmond, the appropriately named reSTART Internet Addiction Recovery Program is housed on five pristine acres of Pacific Northwest landscape that’ll make any adolescent dweeb forget that they should Twitpic a screenshot from their latest World of Warcraft session. At least, that’s the goal.
Founded by Cosette Rae, a social worker who became familiar with Internet addiction after watching the brains of her clients slowly atrophy thanks to Snood, and Dr. Hilary Cash, PhD. of Internet and Computer Addiction Services, the goal of the treatment facility is to help launch over indulgent techies, aka nerds, back into the real world as adjusted, well-rounded citizens of the world.
The center’s first patient is nineteen year old Benjamin Alexander of Iowa City, Iowa, whose parents admitted him to the facility after he was forced to withdraw from college due to his gaming addiction. Alexander, who used to fall asleep on top of his keyboard while playing WoW, now spends his days feeding farm animals and running through the woods, things he enjoyed before succumbing to the mindless pleasures of life in Teldrassil and Darnassus. (One can only hope that this was Benjamin’s reaction when his parents shipped him off to web rehab.)
While reSTART believes that tell-tale signs like “craving more time on the computer and Internet,” “a heightened sense of euphoria while involved in computer and internet activities,” and “feeling guilty, ashamed, anxious, or depressed as a result of behavior” are directly associated with Internet addiction, we believe said symptoms may actually prove patients are addicted to a subset of the Internet: Porn.