Sarah Schmelling turned a short but brilliant McSweeney’s article called “Hamlet (Facebook News Feed Edition)” into her new book, Ophelia Joined the Group Maidens Who Don’t Float. From a full news feed play-by-play of Shakespeare’s War of the Roses to a game of Scrabulous between Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, the book reads like a funnier version of CliffsNotes, updated for the Facebook generation. After the jump, we’ve excerpted our favorite LOL bits, including Juliet’s profile, Miss Havisham’s favorite TV shows, and the news feeds of Jay Gatsby and Humbert Humbert. Now if you’ll excuse us, we are totally friend requesting Holden Caulfield.
From Juliet Capulet’s wall:
Juliet OMG hooked up with random guy! Don’t even know his NAME.
Juliet: Seriously, anyone know him? Darkhair hawt hawt blue doublet… if hes married I WILL DIE I MEAN IT.
Nurse: I know who he is. Let’s chat offline, shall we?
Juliet wonders what the HEYELL is going on?????!!!??
Nurse: Woe! Death! Love and death and Romeo!
Juliet: Wait hes dead? ROMEO RU DEAD?
Juliet: Well if hes dead i might as well kill myself.
Juliet: Right now. OH GODDDD WHY ME IM DYINGGGG.
—
From The Great Gatsby news feed:
Nick was invited to attend One of Gatsby’s Insanely Tacky Parties.
Gatsby wrote on Nick’s Wall.
“You may not see me, as I’ll be sitting on a lofty perch not drinking and watching everyone make fools of themselves. But have fun!”
Nick met Gatsby by accident.
Nick is now an Old Sport.
—
From Miss Havisham’s profile:
Favorite Music: “Crazy,” “Crazy Train,” “Crazy”
Favorite TV Shows: Whose Wedding Is IT Anyway?, The Bachelor, A Wedding Story, Millionaire Matchmaker, Platinum Weddings, BRIDEZILLLLLLLLLLLLLAS
Favorite Movies: Kill Bill
—
From the Lolita news feed:
Humbert became a fan of Girls My Age If This Was Twenty-Five Years Ago.
Humbert added “bouts of insanity” to his Activities.
WARNING
Message from Admin: Our systems indicate you’ve been using terms and subject matter deemed inappropriate for our site. Misusing our features may result in your account being deactivated. Thank you.
Humbert is just excited about life today.
Humbert is especially excited to sit here while Lolita eats an apple.
Humbert added “Babysitter” to his Work Info.
Excerpted from OPHELIA JOINED THE GROUP MAIDENS WHO DON’T FLOAT: Classic Lit Signs On To Facebook by Sarah Schmelling. Published by arrangement with Plume, a member of Penguin Group (USA), Inc. Copyright © Sarah Schmelling, 2009.
—
Check out the book here, check out Schmelling’s Twitter page here, and visit the book’s website here.