Nineties kids’ TV shows had way sassier insults than any other decade, and we’re here to highlight the best of the best. Name calling? Check. Inappropriate “whore” puns? Double check. After the jump, we’ve unearthed ten classic zingers from Boy Meets World, Salute Your Shorts, Clarissa Explains it All, and more. Of course, some shows had more wisecracks than others (here’s looking at you, Pete & Pete), but we’ve done our best to gather nine great one-liners from nine nostalgia-inducing live action series. Check ’em out after the jump, and feel free to insult us in the comments using the insults we missed.
9. Clarissa Explains It All
There’s only one Nickelodeon gal who could pull off “dork-pie,” “bur in my butt,” some commendable alliteration, and a killer scrunchie within the first two minutes of her pilot episode. Here’s to you and your marvelous thoughts on what motivates humans, Clarissa Darling. We learned everything and nothing from you.
8. Salute Your Shorts
What would a collection of ’90s insults be without Budnick’s cheap fart joke from the Salute Your Shorts title sequence? If this list had been “The 9 Best Vague Threats from ’90s Kids’ TV Shows,” Ug’s next line would snag our #1 spot. You know the one — “It’s ‘I hope we never part.’ Now get it right or pay the price.” What was “the price,” exactly? An awful waffle?
7. Family Matters
After all those years and all those insults, we still can’t believe Laura and Urkel ended up together.
6. Saved by the Bell
Once upon a time, Zack and Slater convinced Mr. Belding that Screech and Kelly were planning to elope. Screech thought his high school principal was accusing him of being a “cantaloupe,” and a fruit-themed shouting match ensued.
5. My So-Called Life
After Rayanne finds herself dubbed “Potential Slut” on a “Sophomore Top 40” list, Rickie’s response is short and perfect. Zing!
4. Boy Meets World
Remember when Mr. Feeny let Cory Matthews teach his class and all hell broke loose? Then, when Cory tried to calm the class down, Topanga let her inner Zuul shine through? In related news — how about that Riley Matthews? She’s 11 and already has teenage Topanga hair. Not that we’re jealous or anything…
3. The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
Will Smith, you dog.
2. The Adventures of Pete & Pete
After Little Pete Wrigley had been using a local pool’s diving board as his lookout spot for a missing Mr. Softee, lifeguard Den Cleary demanded that he get off the board. Pete responded with this bizarre insult as well as a vague, “You’ll be sorry,” and proceeded to jump off the diving board hundreds of times in a row, just to drive good ol’ Den Cleary insane.
1. Full House
When this Season 4 episode first aired, we assumed Stephanie was calling Kimmy’s face a “horror.” A couple decades and a thousand reruns later — nope! Definitely called her a whore. Well played, Full House writers. You win.