It’s Valentine’s Day tomorrow… so what better time for another bumper edition of our favorite stereotyping feature? This idea started a couple of years back with indie bands, and we’ve since applied it to everything from albums of the year to Monopoly pieces. Now we’re turning our attention to love songs — they’re all here, from the romantic to the saccharine, the bombastic to the touching. As ever, this is a lighthearted exercise that’s done in a spirit of fun, and as ever, our own stereotype is in here too. If we missed yours, feel free to add it to the comments section. Happy Hallmark-making-everyone-miserable day!
Céline Dion — “My Heart Will Go On” Housewives who own multiple doilies and have purchased porcelain objects from the Franklin Mint.
Screamin’ Jay Hawkins — “I Put a Spell on You” Somewhat creepy older guys with a “special” suitcase that may or may not be full of esoteric sex toys.
Bob Marley and the Wailers — “Is This Love” Backpackers.
The Darkness — “I Believe in a Thing Called Love” People who have owned — and quite possibly still own — a Three Wolf Moon T-shirt.
Joy Division — “Love Will Tear Us Apart” That pallid college friend who you should probably call casually to check on right about now.
The Postal Service — “Such Great Heights” Skinny philosophy majors who really dislike She & Him.
Modern English — “I Melt With You” Guys whose OK Cupid profile includes an actual picture of their epic vinyl collection.
Coldplay — “Yellow” Yellowists.
Eric Clapton — “Layla” Professional silver foxes who think you can never have too many girlfriends.
Elvis Costello — “I Want You” Men subject to restraining orders in at least three states.
Portishead — “All Mine” Women subject to restraining orders in at least three states.
Dido — “Thank You” Eminem fans running out of ideas as to exactly how they’re going to get this girl into bed.
Barry White — “My First, My Last, My Everything” Jovial uncles who are having way more good sex than you are.
Whitney Houston — “I Will Always Love You” Mothers who merge aggressively in giant bulldozing SUVs.
Percy Sledge — “When a Man Loves a Woman” Doormats.
Lana Del Rey — “Video Games” Terrible men who look (and probably behave) like Terry Richardson.
Elvis Presley — “Can’t Help Falling in Love” Endearingly polite and lovely grandparents who will sit you down and tell you earnestly “how to treat a lady.”
Beyoncé — “Crazy in Love” Girls who can apparently reconcile third-wave feminism with a hankering for a diamond ring worth the GDP of a small African state.
The Beatles — “Something” People who read Rolling Stone.
The Beach Boys — “God Only Knows” People who used to read Rolling Stone in the ’60s but stopped when it ceased to be relevant.
Shania Twain — “Still the One” Women who book in for “special” bi-weekly doctor’s appointments and come out largely unable to move their faces.
The Smiths — “There Is a Light That Never Goes Out” Romantics who should never be left alone at bus stops.
Neutral Milk Hotel — “Naomi” Earnest indie boys who prepare for a date by agonizing over which button badges to affix to their thrift-store cardigan.
Bryan Adams — “Everything I Do, I Do for You” Thirtysomethings given to LARPing Robin Hood.
The Magnetic Fields — “The Book of Love” Acerbic West Village romantics who haven’t quite given up hope of finding The One.
Elton John — “Your Song” Juanes.
Wet Wet Wet — “Love Is All Around” Anyone who likes their band names to be strictly utilitarian.
The Police — “Every Breath You Take” Clueless Diddy fans who don’t listen to the lyrics properly.
REM — “The One I Love” Clueless indie fans who don’t listen to the lyrics properly.
Rihanna — “Diamonds” #seapunks
The Cure — “Lovesong” Ex-goths who are perfectly OK with being described as “unashamed romantics.”
The La’s — “There She Goes” Junkies. Sigh.
Sade — “No Ordinary Love” Impossibly elegant older women you’d never dare ask out for a drink.
John Mayer — “Your Body Is a Wonderland” Bros who use the word “ladies” a lot and wonder why they don’t get laid all that often.
Extreme — “More Than Words” Bros who wonder why they don’t get laid at all.
Chris Isaak — “Wicked Game” People who own the fancy gold Twin Peaks box set and/or still fancy Helena Christensen.
Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds — “The Ship Song” Priapic 40-somethings trying to reconcile a Lothario act that’s worked well in the past with the reality of a receding hairline.
Nine Inch Nails — “Closer” Black-clad types who may or may not be actual vampires.
Cyndi Lauper — “Time After Time” Matronly liberal arts academics with pink streaks in their hair.
Robbie Williams — “Angels” Lads who use the word “geezer” in casual conversation.
Bruce Springsteen — “Born to Run” People from New Jersey.
Björk — “All is Full of Love” Androids, obviously.
The Knife — “Heartbeats” People who have had at least one genuinely spiritual experience on MDMA.
The Carpenters — “Superstar” Slackers who own all of Sonic Youth’s back catalog (yes, including the SYR albums.)
Meat Loaf — “I’d Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That)” Sad-eyed men who own hideously expensive home stereo systems and probably actually would do that if it really came to the crunch.
Yeah Yeah Yeahs — “Maps” Lower East Siders who have at one point drowned their heartbreak at Max Fish and/or Motor City Bar.
Boston — “More Than a Feeling” People who may have at one point ODed on aspartame.
Guns N’ Roses — “Sweet Child O’ Mine” People who may have at one point ODed on cocaine.
Aerosmith — “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” People who may have at one point ODed on cocaine and aspartame.
Al Green — “Let’s Stay Together” People who are doing it right.