Stereotyping You By Your Favorite Love Song

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It’s Valentine’s Day tomorrow… so what better time for another bumper edition of our favorite stereotyping feature? This idea started a couple of years back with indie bands, and we’ve since applied it to everything from albums of the year to Monopoly pieces. Now we’re turning our attention to love songs — they’re all here, from the romantic to the saccharine, the bombastic to the touching. As ever, this is a lighthearted exercise that’s done in a spirit of fun, and as ever, our own stereotype is in here too. If we missed yours, feel free to add it to the comments section. Happy Hallmark-making-everyone-miserable day!

Céline Dion — My Heart Will Go On” Housewives who own multiple doilies and have purchased porcelain objects from the Franklin Mint.

Screamin’ Jay Hawkins — I Put a Spell on You” Somewhat creepy older guys with a “special” suitcase that may or may not be full of esoteric sex toys.

Bob Marley and the Wailers — Is This Love” Backpackers.

The Darkness — I Believe in a Thing Called Love” People who have owned — and quite possibly still own — a Three Wolf Moon T-shirt.

Joy Division — Love Will Tear Us Apart” That pallid college friend who you should probably call casually to check on right about now.

The Postal Service — Such Great Heights” Skinny philosophy majors who really dislike She & Him.

Modern English — “I Melt With You” Guys whose OK Cupid profile includes an actual picture of their epic vinyl collection.

Coldplay — Yellow” Yellowists.

Eric Clapton — Layla” Professional silver foxes who think you can never have too many girlfriends.

Elvis Costello — I Want You” Men subject to restraining orders in at least three states.

Portishead — All Mine” Women subject to restraining orders in at least three states.

Dido — Thank You” Eminem fans running out of ideas as to exactly how they’re going to get this girl into bed.

Barry White — My First, My Last, My Everything” Jovial uncles who are having way more good sex than you are.

Whitney Houston — I Will Always Love You” Mothers who merge aggressively in giant bulldozing SUVs.

Percy Sledge — When a Man Loves a Woman” Doormats.

Lana Del Rey — Video Games” Terrible men who look (and probably behave) like Terry Richardson.

Elvis Presley — Can’t Help Falling in Love” Endearingly polite and lovely grandparents who will sit you down and tell you earnestly “how to treat a lady.”

Beyoncé — Crazy in Love” Girls who can apparently reconcile third-wave feminism with a hankering for a diamond ring worth the GDP of a small African state.

The Beatles — Something” People who read Rolling Stone.

The Beach Boys — God Only Knows” People who used to read Rolling Stone in the ’60s but stopped when it ceased to be relevant.

Shania Twain — Still the One” Women who book in for “special” bi-weekly doctor’s appointments and come out largely unable to move their faces.

The Smiths — There Is a Light That Never Goes Out” Romantics who should never be left alone at bus stops.

Neutral Milk Hotel — Naomi” Earnest indie boys who prepare for a date by agonizing over which button badges to affix to their thrift-store cardigan.

Bryan Adams — Everything I Do, I Do for You” Thirtysomethings given to LARPing Robin Hood.

The Magnetic Fields — The Book of Love” Acerbic West Village romantics who haven’t quite given up hope of finding The One.

Elton John — Your Song” Juanes.

Wet Wet Wet — Love Is All Around” Anyone who likes their band names to be strictly utilitarian.

The Police — Every Breath You Take” Clueless Diddy fans who don’t listen to the lyrics properly.

REM — The One I Love” Clueless indie fans who don’t listen to the lyrics properly.

Rihanna — Diamonds” #seapunks

The Cure — Lovesong” Ex-goths who are perfectly OK with being described as “unashamed romantics.”

The La’s — There She Goes” Junkies. Sigh.

Sade — No Ordinary Love” Impossibly elegant older women you’d never dare ask out for a drink.

John Mayer — Your Body Is a Wonderland” Bros who use the word “ladies” a lot and wonder why they don’t get laid all that often.

Extreme — More Than Words” Bros who wonder why they don’t get laid at all.

Chris Isaak — Wicked Game” People who own the fancy gold Twin Peaks box set and/or still fancy Helena Christensen.

Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds — The Ship Song” Priapic 40-somethings trying to reconcile a Lothario act that’s worked well in the past with the reality of a receding hairline.

Nine Inch Nails — Closer” Black-clad types who may or may not be actual vampires.

Cyndi Lauper — Time After Time” Matronly liberal arts academics with pink streaks in their hair.

Robbie Williams — Angels” Lads who use the word “geezer” in casual conversation.

Bruce Springsteen — Born to Run” People from New Jersey.

Björk — All is Full of Love” Androids, obviously.

The Knife — Heartbeats” People who have had at least one genuinely spiritual experience on MDMA.

The Carpenters — Superstar” Slackers who own all of Sonic Youth’s back catalog (yes, including the SYR albums.)

Meat Loaf — I’d Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That)” Sad-eyed men who own hideously expensive home stereo systems and probably actually would do that if it really came to the crunch.

Yeah Yeah Yeahs — Maps” Lower East Siders who have at one point drowned their heartbreak at Max Fish and/or Motor City Bar.

Boston — More Than a Feeling” People who may have at one point ODed on aspartame.

Guns N’ Roses — Sweet Child O’ Mine” People who may have at one point ODed on cocaine.

Aerosmith — I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” People who may have at one point ODed on cocaine and aspartame.

Al Green — Let’s Stay Together” People who are doing it right.