Happy Valentine’s Day, literary lovers! Or literary loners, as the case may very well be. If you’ve been going through a rough patch this year, maybe your reading habits are to blame — or maybe they’re just clues to the source of your strife. After all, we can’t help but be influenced by our favorite love stories. After the jump, you’ll find our cheeky analysis of your romantic issues based on your favorite literary couple — whether you’re modeling yourself after them or just can’t get enough of their particular brand of crazy. See if you can find your favorite literary lovebirds below, and let us know if we’ve got you pegged in the comments.
Jane Eyre and Mr. Rochester, Jane Eyre
You think of yourself as an easygoing, accepting person. But there is such thing as too accepting. Here’s your mantra: if he looks like a creep, acts like a creep, and locks his wife in the attic, he’s a creep.
Catherine and Heathcliff, Wuthering Heights
As Charlotte once chided, you may suffer from “perverted passion and passionate perversity.” That’s probably why you guys fight so much.
Romeo and Juliet, Romeo & Juliet
You’re fine. You just need to survive your teenage years — we promise you’ll gain some valuable perspective in college.
George and Martha, Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?
You might need to reassess social norms for how to talk to other people. Just because Martha said it, doesn’t mean you should.
Humbert Humbert and Lolita, Lolita
If this is your favorite literary couple, we think you know what your romantic issues are.
Jake and Brett, The Sun Also Rises
What are you doing reading this? You should probably just see a doctor.
Charles and Camilla, The Secret History
Your problem? No romantic partner will ever live up to your twin sister — a pretty transparent form of crippling narcissism if we’ve ever seen it.
Winston and Julia, Nineteen Eighty-Four
This one’s easy: “All you care about is yourself.”
Esmeralda and Quasimodo, The Hunchback of Notre Dame
You might want to shoot a little lower (or hey, higher).
Jake and Tallula, The Last Werewolf
You just can’t get past the idea that there’s only one person in the world for you — so you’re not willing to gamble on anyone. Unless you’re actually the last of your kind, you might want to loosen up a little.
Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Darcy, Pride and Prejudice
Aside from all that pride and prejudice, you might be of the opinion that you can talk your way out of (or into) anything. Don’t try to tell us that those gymnastic lips don’t get you in trouble more often than not.
Tom and Daisy, The Great Gatsby
At least one of you is too rich, too blonde, and too skinny.
Nick and Amy, Gone Girl
You’re unbearably bored, and have a bit of a mean streak. Just don’t go for someone meaner, or more bored.
Edward and Bella, the Twilight saga
You don’t know where to draw the line between love and unhealthy obsession — even at your own peril. Also, you should probably reevaluate your expectations re: gender roles. It’s 2013.
Petruchio and Katherine, The Taming of the Shrew
Despite what everyone says, you still think you can change your partner. Good luck with that.
Rhett Butler and Scarlett O’Hara, Gone With the Wind
Your timing sucks.
Celia and Marco, The Night Circus
You won’t be happy until you meet someone who can compete on your level — and those are few and far between. Keep trying.
Macbeth and Lady Macbeth, Macbeth
You should actually be a little bit more afraid of getting your hands dirty.
Anna and Vronsky, Anna Karenina
You never really enjoy a love affair unless it’s unbearably fraught.
Frank and April, Revolutionary Road
Suburbia is eating your brain.