Take a drink whenever…
Your mom sends you lusty texts about Hugh Jackman.
Spike Lee gives Quentin Tarantino the hairy eyebrow.
Someone says Ben Affleck and Kathryn Bigelow were robbed of Best Director nominations, or Moonrise Kingdom deserved better.
Anne Hathaway makes an awkward joke, an overly long acceptance speech, or breathily thanks her husband.
The handsome cam pans to George Clooney for an obligatory shot.
Someone references Jodie Foster’s “coming out” speech.
Tommy Lee Jones is not amused by host Seth MacFarlane.
Finish your drink if…
Someone laughs nervously and mispronounces Beasts of the Southern Wild actress Quvenzhané Wallis’ name.
Dame Shirley Bassey and Adele bring the house down during the James Bond tribute performance.
Seth MacFarlane makes a crude joke about Jennifer Lawrence’s ass or Osama bin Laden (or both in the same joke).
Someone pledges allegiance to Philip Seymour Hoffman, Manson girls-style.
One of the six film students selected to present awards nerds out on stage.
Do a shot if…
Spike Lee pulls a Kanye during any of the Django Unchained acceptance speeches.
Anne Hathaway flashes the paparazzi again. If on purpose, take two shots.
The Academy decided it would be a swell idea to have Life of Pi tiger Richard Parker introduce any of the nominees.
Someone is actually shocked that Daniel Day-Lewis wins a third Best Actor Oscar.
Jennifer Lawrence and Jessica Chastain exchange major bitchface.
Seth MacFarlane croons “That’s Amore” to any of the Amour nominees.
Finish the bottle if…
Michael Haneke confesses that @Michael_Haneke really is his creation, brags about his “nominayshuns” or “parms dorz,” makes fun of “terruns malick’s” pet tree, or lolz. #teamhaneke
Denzel Washington wins the Best Actor Oscar he should have won for Malcolm X.
Robert De Niro cries. Again.
Spike Lee and Quentin Tarantino engage in fisticuffs.
Kristin Chenoweth’s musical finale with MacFarlane turns into her guerilla Smash audition.
Drunk Glenn Close gives a repeat performance.