The Internet is a strange, strange place. As we noted yesterday, Gerard Way penned an epic letter about My Chemical Romance’s breakup, but in certain corners of the web, fans are flat-out refusing to believe it, and expressing their disappointment in the most quintessentially MCR way — by penning fanfiction wherein the band continues to exist forever! The world of MCR fanfic is a strange, hilarious place, but it’s by no means home to the weirdest fanfic you’ll find out there. And so, to celebrate the, um, devotion of a certain breed of music fans, here’s a selection the most hilariously weird band fanfic, you’ll ever, ever read. Warning: it’s kinda dirty. Obviously.
My Chemical Romance
The undoubted kings of the fanfic world — Ficwad.com lists no less than 9,689 MCR stories, about seven times as many as their closest competition (namely Panic! at the Disco and Fall Out Boy). With so many to choose from, there’s pretty much every outlandish concept you could possibly imagine — like “You Be Mine and I’ll Be Yours,” for instance, which describes itself thusly: “Chaptered Frerard AU in which nearly a quarter of all men are biologically able to carry children, and Gerard, who can carry children, has come to the realisation that he wants to have a child with his husband Frank.” Ooooooooooookay.
“We don’t need a condom,” Frank murmured, kissing up and down Gerard’s body, “Unless you’ve forgotten, we’re making a baby now.” Gerard gulped and stared up at Frank, blinking rapidly, “We’re doing this.” “Yeah we are,” Frank said, grabbing hold of Gerard’s thigh and hoisting it up around his waist.
Now we sally forth into the more unlikely world of, um, Cheap Trick fanfiction. To be honest, we were amazed enough to discover that a work of erotic Cheap Trick fanfic existed. But oh boy, does it ever — behold the glory of “Need Your Love,” which is 67,000 WORDS LONG and contains 34 chapters, all of which seem to be named after the band’s songs.
“Experimenting is also fun,” Tom added with a coy wink. “Them Europeans aren’t uptight like us Americans.” “Whatever do you mean?” Robin curiously gazed at him. Tom smiled. “Let’s just say the brothels in Berlin are lots of fun.”
Of course, anyone who’s investigated the world of fanfic knows the really crazy stuff is found in the outlandish crossover combinations that people dream up. Somewhere out there on the Internet, for instance, there is someone who wants to see Bruce Dickinson get it on with Brian Molko backstage at a music TV game show, and has penned a story called “Never Mind the Bitches” to prove it. Different strokes for different folks, and all that.
Bruce found himself leaning on the door frame trying to act casual. “Hi.” “Can I come in and talk to you?” It would, after all, have been rude to say no. He walked into the room, waving Brian in. “Sure, what can I do for you, Brian?” He could have shot himself as soon as he’d said it. The younger man softly shut the door, and slid the bolt home behind him. “The question is, what can I do for you, Bruce?”
Blind Guardian and the manly men of power metal
As in, yes, that band who released an entire album based on The Silmarillion. Rockfic.com has 11 Blind Guardian stories to choose from, but it’s hard to go past the crossover extravaganza of “Staves of Agony,” a novella based around the idea of a Hunger Games-style contest featuring power metal musicians instead of photogenic kiddies. There’s lots of violence, lots of death, and the blooming of sweet power metal love between pretty much everyone who survives.
Sample passage: “Jens awoke from a solid hit to his chest. His eyes flew open while he gasped for breath. He glanced around, looking for the attacker until he realized it had been Tobi. The singer was whimpering and flaying wildly in his sleep, arms pushed against Jens’ chest and then off to the side. Jens was thankful Tobi hadn’t used his legs yet as a kick to the groin would have been most unwelcome at this point. He sighed and stroked Tobi’s chest, circling the nipples and down the middle.”
Brian May/Duff McKagan
Um, what to say? Queen/Velvet Revolver crossover fanfic exists (although curiously, it doesn’t seem to involve the sort of wholesale drug abuse you might imagine those two bands to get into if they ever really did tour together in their respective heydays). It does, however, feature hilariously graphic sex scenes involving Brian May and Duff McKagan and also, inevitably, a chapter called “The Good Old Fashioned Lover Boys.” Good grief.
Sample passage: “Brian sighed restlessly. It was the day before the party and he still hadn’t spoken to Duff. Things hadn’t gone so well with John either. John had fainted at the sight of Freddie and when he came around he’d been angry with Freddie for not coming back to them before now and had stormed out. The very sight of Freddie had reminded Brian why he’d gotten together with Duff in the first place. Duff had helped him to forget Freddie. That was why their relationship had never worked; there was no real companionship, only sex. That was what Duff and Slash had that made their relationship so special. Freddie’s appearance had opened up all of Brian’s old feelings for him, feelings that he’d repressed and stored deep away inside his mind, it was like pulling a scab off a cut.”
Tegan and Sara — literally
True fact: the Tegan and Sara fanfic community has coined the phrase “Quincest” to describe the myriad stories that involve the twins getitng it on. If such things, um, interest you, you can find many such examples right here.
Sample passage: “Tegan flipped over so they were face to face. She smelled Sara’s awful breath again, but didn’t really mind. They stared at each other in silence for a few minutes, but Tegan was unsure what was going to happen next. They both had too much to drink, and she felt strange urges. What sober part that was left of her was trying to claw to the surface, but she wasn’t sure it’d get there in time.”
Insane Clown Posse/Harry Potter
From the pen of one Techno Potter Girl, a story that transplants Harry and the gang from Hogwarts to the Gathering of the Juggalos — where, inevitably, they proceed to have lots of sex (presumably while drinking Faygo). The grammar’s a bit ropey, but who can resist a story that gives you hot steamy scenes like the one below?
“hey Fred.” “what George?” “lets go to my room.” “okay.” wink, wink. “Ron where are your brothers going?” asked harry. “i think they are going to go fuck each others brains out again.” replied Ron casually. “but…they are brothers…” said a confused Harry. “yeah I know but they are single and horny and extremely gay.” explained Ron
What is it with ’80s metal bands and gay crossover fanfic? Is it all the spandex? Whatever the case, there’s more testosterone in the amusingly titled “Rear View” than you can shake an elaborate cast-iron microphone stand at.
Sample passage: “And then, of course, there was Vince. Coquettish little thing, giving him a coy glance before pretending to be engrossed in his drink. If only he could pry Nikki’s claws out of that fine ass so he could really show him a real beast in the sack. People — those rats included — always gossiped about the bruises and marks, some of the truly slow really believing that Vince drank too much and really did bump into things. Which he did, but how does one bump into a pole or the like and get huge reddish purple welts on their neck, like he was sporting that night? The edges of the blemish bloomed from beneath a studded dog collar, marking Nikki’s territory against intruders like Blackie. No piece of leather was going to keep Blackie’s gaze from roaming all over a piece of erotic art like Neil.”
Someone by the name of Muse-icfan756 wrote an entire novel about Muse, set in the year 2027 and related from the perspective of drummer Dominic Howard. Is there sex in it? Probably — no, of course, we haven’t read the whole thing. There’s a whole lot of sexual tension, either way. Not unlike the real Muse, then, eh?
“Dom, what did you think you were playing at?” Chris demanded as I returned. “You’ve only just had your shower, it’s freezing cold and you’re only wearing pyjamas! What were you doing?” I shrugged. “There was somebody out there. I-I was going to help them,” I mumbled, ducking my head ashamedly. “Honestly, you need to learn to just look after yourself. Go wrap up warm or you’ll catch a cold.” I nodded, wondering why Chris was acting so fatherly towards me. I felt like a reprimanded child trudging back to my room.
Sample passage: “‘Well then this is gonna be some wild sex.’ Justin chuckled lightly, then leaned his head up to kiss me. I was still grinding on Justin, and he was completely aroused. ‘Pants..’ he said looking down at his. I giggled and got off of him, then slid his pants off. Justin took a deep breath, very relieved. My fingers hooked into his boxers, and I slid them down.”