Late last week, the Internet collectively furrowed its brow, cocked its head sideways a bit, and then issued a unanimous “Ohhhh” and turned a little red before quickly closing the tab window as Lars von Trier unleashed the dirty/artsy poster for his latest film, the two-part, LaBeouf-enabling, unsimulated-sex epic Nymphomaniac. But how do Von Trier parenthetical genitals stack up against the cinema’s naughtier one-sheets? A roundup of some of the dirtiest movie posters to date after the jump.
Nymphomaniac (2013)
Maybe it’s clever, maybe it’s crass, maybe it’s the best stealth marketing for Sigur Ros ever. But one thing is for certain: Von Trier can get as graphic as he wants, but it’s still not gonna erase my mental image of what happened to Dafoe in Antichrist.
Blue Velvet (1986)
Sure, that’s one way to interpret what happens in that movie.
Lolita (1962)
“Arright Stanley, we’ve gotta put across that the little girl is a sexpot in one image, but it can’t be anything too graphic. Got any ideas?… What’s that?… Hey, they’re right about you– you are a genius!”
School Girls Growing Up (1972)
Ah yes, the only oral substitute more obvious than the lollipop.
Jennifer’s Body (2009)
Just spitballing here, but there’s a chance they could’ve been banking on male viewers of a certain age thinking about something other than the vampire storyline of this Megan Fox vehicle.
Le Divorce (2003)
So here’s a classy novel adaptation from the distinguished Merchant-Ivory factory, featuring Kate Hudson and Naomi Watts, telling the story of two Americans sister in Paris… and BOOBS.
Lesbian Vampire Killers (2009)
And here’s the comic tale of two young men out to save their small rural town from lesbian vampires, a story best encapsulated by BOOBS.
Blackenstein (1973)
And, finally, the blaxpoitation take on the tale of Frankenstein’s monster, featuring BOOBS. Impressive fabric line there, though; was double-sided tape a post-1973 invention?
Sextoons (1975)
Dirtiest poster, or most disturbing? You be the judge.
SuperVixens (1975)
No examination of breasts as movie selling tours would be complete without a visit to the library of Russ Meyer, the so-called “King of the Nudies” best known for his, erm, curvy leading ladies. So subtlety was never exactly his style, but this poster’s direction to “feast on it!” is over the top, even by Meyer’s standards.
Up! (1976)
More from Meyer, and a certain visual motif recurs, along with a none-too-subtextual promise of impotence for the poor souls who don’t see his latest. Fun fact: Roger Ebert co-wrote this one, under the pseudonym Reinhold Timme.
Vixen! (1968)
Good ol’ Russ Meyer knew an eye-catching image (i.e., a woman in the throes of an orgasm) when he saw one. (We’ll worry about all that woman/animal stuff some other time.)
Beneath the Valley of the Ultra-Vixens (1979)
And one more from Meyer — the last narrative film of his career (and another collaboration with Ebert, this time writing under the pen name R. Hyde). As you can see, he remained a simple man, with simple tastes.
Dracula Has Risen From the Grave (1968)
The movie is about Dracula, so obviously the focus is on the bite mark (covered by bright pink Band-Aids) and not on the blonde’s carefully framed décolletage. Obviously. (Obviously.)
Ecstasy (1933)
This Czech drama causes a sensation for its scenes of sexual intimacy, and the nudity of its star Hedy Lamarr. So, like good exhibitors, they knew what to sell here.
The Sin of Nora Moran (1933)
Sure, this would make for a tame Maxim cover these days. But remember: this was a major release 80 years ago, another refugee from the “Pre-Code” era, back when it was cool to just show a woman in transparent clothing on a movie poster.
The Outlaw (1943)
Again, it’s all about context: this was scandalous stuff back in ’43, between Russell spilling out of that top, her come-hither look, and the way she’s gripping that ever-phallic pistol.
The Naughty Stewardesses (1975)
“Oh, they always screw those books up when they turn them into movies.”
Cashback (2006)
Just a hot girl, stripping down while doing her grocery shopping, like ya do.
One Night at McCool’s (2001)
GET IT?
Nana (1970)
This X-rated Swedish film is, indeed, a film adaptation of Zola’s novel, but that might not be the most convenient place to put the text.
Ali G Indahouse (2002)
Well, you can always depend on Sacha Baron Cohen to class the joint up.
Hot Lunch (1978)
Yeah, she might wanna get that looked at.
Diary of a Nymphomaniac (2008)
Dear Diary: Got into my underwear and touched myself. AGAIN.
Shame (2011)
Dear Diary: Got under my blue sheets and touched myself. AGAIN.
Sex Drive (2008)
The tagline, the “coming soon,” the phallic tachometer — why choose between three perfectly terrible double entendres when you can use them all?
Zack and Miri Make a Porno (2008)
This one caused more than a little controversy for the Weinstein Company and director Kevin Smith a few years back. But we applaud its spirit of equality.
The Rules of Attraction (2002)
You gotta hand it to those stuffed animals: they’re all about the variety.
Vampire Hookers (1978)
See, because they’re hookers, so it would stand to reason, considering what we know about that profession, that they would also, for the right price, be willing to suck — oh, never mind.
Malibu High (1979)
More fun with words — like “flunk,” which isn’t what they actually want to do to her! The late ’70s were a witty time, kids.
Southern Comforts (1971)
But the big prize (the booby prize, if you will) for wacky wordplay goes to this 1971 effort from sleaze king Harry Novak; by my count, there’s five groaners on this one. But I’m counting both uses of the “lick’er” joke, and you can’t blame them — if you think up a gem like that, why let it go to waste by only using it once?
Love Thy Neighbor and His Wife (1972)
Wait, one more bit of zany double entendre: “blow by blow,” eh? Also, kudos from trumping the authenticity of this sexcapade, shot at “a Swapping Center.” A real live Swapping Center!
I Am Curious… Blue (1968)
I am curious as to how cold that water must be. Especially since it’s so blue.
Voajer (1992)
Well, you certainly can’t accuse this one of being coy.
Monella (1998)
I’m sensing a theme here. (Bicycle awareness.)
Secretary (2002)
Assume the position, indeed.
Orgy at Lil’s Place (1963)
Can’t decide what I’m more interested in SEEing: The “Art” Class or the Strip Dice Game. But either way, I sure don’t want to be “considered a square” by a bunch of people who are now old enough to be my grandparents.
Romance & Cigarettes (2005)
It’s easy to be cynical about these posters, but there is something, um, effective about this evocatively post-coital image. Yes, something very effective indeed. Good heavens.
Emmanuelle (1974)
And let it also be duly noted that simplicity goes a long way.
The First Turn-On! (1983)
Ah, that’s more like it — comically overdone phallic imagery, vague rape-y overtones, zany fonts, and bad ’80s hair. For a moment there, these dirty posters were almost sexy.