In the music industry, summer means one thing: festivals. Lots of festivals. Gazillions of festivals. So many festivals, in fact, that the choice of which to attend is kinda overwhelming. Thankfully, Flavorwire is here to help! Well, sort of, anyway — we figured it was time to break out our patented Stereotyping Technique™ and apply it to the bewildering array of festivals on offer, giving a convenient roundup of the people to whom various events will appeal. As ever, this is all in fun, and as ever, our own stereotype is on here. See if you can guess which one it is.
Warped Tour Angry kids with dyed black hair, multiple facial piercings, and a loving parent to pick them up after the show.
Lollapalooza Gen Y types who still read Spin magazine online.
Governors Ball New Yorkers who have purchased a pair of expensive Hunter boots in the last couple of days, which shall remain at the back of the wardrobe until this time next year, “just in case.”
Northside New Yorkers who have not purchased such boots and, truth be told, are kinda sniggering at the people who did.
Outside Lands Indecisive types who like to take a little of everything at the buffet.
Telluride Bluegrass Festival Men who own banjos.
Sasquatch Aesthetes who are very concerned about the view when choosing a hotel room.
Mountain Jam “Conscious” types who guard their marijuana dispensary card with their lives.
Laneway People from Australia who are very nervous about the possibility of getting shot.
CMJ Hollow-eyed music journalists who have lost the ability to metabolize caffeine.
Rock the Bells White people who enjoy hip hop.
Made in America White people who like the idea of enjoying hip hop.
Burning Man Burners. Obviously.
Newport Folk Festival Kindly well-meaning boomers who get upset when they read about how their generation has comprehensively fucked the planet.
Coachella Girls who just can’t see what the big deal is about wearing those Native American headdresses, anyway. They’re cute!
Bumbershoot People who didn’t make it to Coachella.
Bonnaroo Young men in shorts, with beards.
Gathering of the Vibes Middle-aged men in shorts, with beards.
Mountain Oasis Confused and slightly terrified Neutral Milk Hotel fans.
Electric Forest ✧*:✧*: (✿◠‿◠) RAVERS (◠‿◠✿) :*✧:*✧
Electric Daisy Bros who fancy themselves as ravers.
Electric Zoo Bros who fancy themselves as ravers and clearly didn’t go to Governors Ball.
Summerfest People who like the idea of making a pilgrimage to the spiritual home of PBR.
Monterey Jazz Festival The same people who have been going for the last four decades.
Mayhem Large, muscular men who make only cursory apologies for kicking you in the head when crowd-surfing.
Austin City Limits Veteran Texans who stare blankly when you mention South by Southwest.
Austin Psych Fest Veteran trippers who stare blankly when you mention… well, anything at all, really.
Pitchfork Well, we’re not going to say that word. See? We didn’t say it.
South by Southwest People who run marathons for fun.
Gathering of the Juggalos Oh go on, guess.