Last week we invited you to send your questions to our esteemed new advice columnist, and now it’s time to get some answers! His Hunxness has pored over your deepest, darkest dilemmas, and after the jump he addresses how to start a band, if loving your own dick makes you gay, how to turn a perpetual child into a proper boyfriend, and more. If you’ve got a question that you need answered, send it to firstname.lastname@example.org or post it in the comments section below — Hunx will be back next week with the solutions to more pressing post-millennial problems!
Dear Hunx, I want to start a band with some of my girlfriends but no one knows how to play, we only got the attitude and lots of ideas. What’s your advice to us?
All you need to form a band are two things: attitude and ideas (and maybe some good outfits). All technical musician men are just jacking their guitars off thinking they have huge dicks — but there are no new ideas coming out of them. “No one’s cumming,” as my friend Liza Thorn would say. My advice to you is to just go for it, pick up the instruments and see what happens. You can always take some YouTube guitar lessons or something. You already have the advantage of being a girl. And by that I mean, 75% of the music I like is made by women because women are superior, so there’s a pretty good chance I will like your band.
Recently I’ve been turned on to having video sex with a lady friend. I love it and feel sort of adickted. Part of why I like it is cuz she keeps tell me that my dick looks great when it’s hard… I have to agree. Does this make me gay?
Sorry to be rude but the answer to your question is overwhelmingly obvious — of course that means you are gay. What my question to you is — what does your dick look like when it’s not hard? Does it look ugly? Does it wear sunglasses and a scarf hoping to be incognito? OK, maybe you’re not gay. Everyone should love their dick no matter what. If you like yours so much, maybe you’ll like others just as much… I guess you are gay probably.
In a relationship, how would you determine the line between helping a partner through depression/being overwhelmed with life and making yourself ‘smaller’ and not asking for anything for fear of making life harder for them? Such as, if they’re unhappy and unavailable/shut down, how long would you stay, at the detriment to yourself? What’s the line between support and enabling, in your opinion?
There’s a time during every episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race where she says, “If you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love someone else?” Maybe you can record Ru saying that, put it on a loop and play it when your partner sleeps in hope it subliminally seeps into his/her mind. Honestly, though, you have to take care of yourself and hope they do the same, otherwise neither of you will be happy. Suggest therapists, exercise, creativity, and eating healthy.
Dear Hunx, Help me, help me solve this curse of being young (at heart) — how do you turn a forever-child into a boyfriend? Drive-in movies, picnics in the sand, monogamous sex — I want the whole 1960s mess. Help me Hunx!
I’ve made the mistake of dealing with a few “forever-childs.” I mean, there is a point when people should stop living with their mom and acting like they know everything about everything even though they don’t even know how to pay an electric bill. Nowadays there is only one kind of male I will date and that is a MAN. Don’t waste your time trying to make a boy a man. Just go straight for the man. You can have some slutty nights with boys if you must — but leave it at that. Boys are good for nothing. Go for 30+, no matter what.
Hunx and His Punx’ new album Street Punk comes out July 23 via Hardly Art.