Amanda “Fucking” Palmer
Open your mouth to hold forth with your opinions about anything and everything — or strum oh-so-quirky Radiohead covers on your ukulele — and watch your friends flee in terror!
Corset: $21.99, Amazon Bustle: $6m in VC funding From $100, various stores Maybelline liquid eyeliner (for eyebrow duties): $7.29, Drugstore.com Ukulele: From $29, Guitar Center Chronic, infinitely tiresome narcissism: Model’s own
Well, hey, ladies! Um… wait, where are you going?
Comedy glasses: $15, Sunglass Warehouse Flannel shirt: $39, Urban Outfitters Fake mustache: $4.95, Amazon Action Bronson: Courtesy of VICE
Of course. Just make sure you can do a fairly decent job of twerking. (Pro tip: if you walk around with your tongue out all night, no one will be able to engage you in serious discussions about cultural appropriation.)
Actual Miley Cyrus VMAs outfit: $39.99, Spirit Halloween Latex underwear: $49.99, TheLatexStore.com Foam finger: $9.95, Amazon (just don’t tell them why you want it) Terrifying fake tongue: $15, Funny-Toys-Store.com Publicity: Priceless!
Hey, what do you care if all the other guests hate you? You can just buy the whole goddamn party!!!
Gallons of bronzer: From $32, Ulta.com Toupee: $16.99, Max Wigs Tie (in GOP red, of course): $5, CheapNeckties.com Loud, tedious opinions about anything and everything: As necessary
Hi, everybody! I’m good-natured, God-fearin’, down-home, Southern racist celebrity chef Paula Deen! What’s your favorite potluck dish?
White wig: $35.99, eBay White top: $50, GAP White teeth: $10, Sillyjokes.co.uk Disembodied foot: $15, Amazon (keep this in your mouth all evening, and if you’re forced to take it out, for the love of god don’t say anything)
And yeah, if someone you know is going as Miley, you might as well go the whole hog and get a Robin Thicke into the mix. For full effect, creep up behind women who are looking in the other direction and whisper “You’re a good girl,” into their ear. Go on, see how well that works.
Beetlejuice suit: $49.99, Amazon Gold referee’s whistle: $18.99, Sears Aviators: From $10 (depending on how well you bargain), Canal St General air of priapic creepiness: By appointment only Health insurance for when someone punches you: Visit healthcare.gov now!
That insufferable “Stop making me feel bad for being rich” girl from Thought Catalog
Clearly, you can’t afford the real clothes she’s wearing — she has money, deal with it! You can, however, approximate her “look” with a little shopping around. Sure, it’s not the real thing, but it’s all you bitches can hope for.
Cardigan: $30, Old Navy Nondescript business casual-y rich person top: $10, GAP Pleated leather shorts (no, really): From $40, Etsy Heinously expensive bag: Ugh, IF YOU MUST KNOW, it’s Mulberry! But she got it on sale, so don’t stare!
You know what? This party’s not starting until YOU SAY IT’S STARTING! It doesn’t MATTER what anyone else thinks!
Good ol’ conservative suit: $300, Men’s Wearhouse (or, ideally borrow one) Good ol’ conservative tie: $5, CheapNeckties.com Good ol’ conservative Stars ‘n’ Stripes: $4.95, Flagshipper.com Good ol’ conservative expression where he looks like he hasn’t quite understood what you’ve said, but he’s going to disagree with you anyway: Practice in mirror (it may help to look at this)
Because what party doesn’t need an obsessive Smiths fan amongst the guests? You were happy in the haze of a drunken hour, but heaven knows you’re miserable now.
Copy of Autobiography: From £6.47 on Amazon.co.uk Quiff: $10, Amazon (get an Elvis one) Cat: Free for 15-minute intervals, Uber
And finally, the man guaranteed to liven up any party: The Nuge! Cheer as he tells you what he thinks of President Obama! Laugh along as he shoots your cat! Woe betide any liberals in the room! Fun for all the family!
Outdoorsy camo jacket: $85, Aliexpress.com Wraparound sunglasses: $7, eBay Nuge Camo Cowboy Hat™: $59.95, Ted Nugent Official Store (I’m not making this up) Gun: From any gun show! No background checks! Get a couple and bury them before the UN comes in black helicopters to take them away! It’s the American way!