Someone recently described American Horror Story: Coven as “fantasy football for gay men,” and I can’t think of a more appropriate log line. Ryan Murphy has outdone himself when it comes to getting as many fierce ladies into one room as possible. As far as I’m concerned, cramming Jessica Lange, Angela Bassett, Kathy Bates, Patti LuPone, and Christine Ebersole into a single hour of television last week has absolved all of Ryan Murphy’s crimes against humanity. But I still think he could go even farther. Here’s my dream team of witches I wish would show up in the season’s remaining ten episodes.
Surely Ryan Murphy can coax Stritchy out of her retirement in Michigan for one last role. I’m betting the promise of murdering a lot of young actors would be quite a draw for her. (Plus, she wouldn’t have to wear pants.) And you know she’s pissed that Christine Ebersole beat her to a bit part.
BRING BACK CONNIE BRITTON. I know she’s busy with Nashville and everything, but there needs to be a redheaded witch whose power is harnessed from her gorgeous locks.
With all of the other American Horror Story alumni turning up this season, why not bring back Chloe? She needs to be resurrected after being so brutally mutilated last season.
Kate Mara and Rooney Mara
Kate Mara, American Horror Story: Murder House‘s angry ghost, would fit right in with the students at the school for witches. And while we’re at it, bring her more famous (but definitely weirder) sister along for the ride.
If fellow Brat Packer Mare Winningham can swoop down South and fuck her son, there’s no reason the witchiest of all the ’80s teen stars can’t have a bit of a cable TV resurgence, too.
Remind her that Meryl Streep is playing The Witch in the upcoming Into the Woods movie, and I bet Bernadette Peters will be more than happy to express her wrath in a hot minute.
Can’t there be more flashbacks to the ’70s, with a young Fiona going head-to-afro with a groovy Foxy Brown type?
Justin Vivian Bond
This is just my personal bias because I adore Justin Vivian Bond, but watching V scratchin’ and fightin’ along with Jessica Lange is a gay man’s dream come true.
Delta Burke, Annie Potts, Jean Smart, and Meshach Taylor
I am betting I’m not the only one who would like to see the surviving cast of Designing Women reunite at last. They already have the accents down! (RIP Dixie Carter.)
Considering all of the issues around aging and fading beauty, I can’t think of a tighter face to swoop in and make Jessica Lange angry.
I’m quite shocked that Winona isn’t already on this season, to be honest.
I know there are a lot of A-list actresses on this list who haven’t made names for themselves in porn, but let’s not act like this show is high art, OK?
Surely we can’t let Stevie Nicks get all the credit, right?
I guess the only reason why Liza isn’t on the show already is because that would be as gay as it gets — so maybe Murphy is saving her for the season finale.
I mean, obviously! She would control all of the bees in the greater New Orleans metropolitan area.