Everyone knows that the holidays are a time for tradition, so here’s one of Flavorwire‘s long-time favorites: doling out gifts to some of contemporary culture’s biggest and boldest icons. Whether they’re dead or alive, naughty or nice, whether they’ve been a cultural touchstone for five decades or five minutes — everyone deserves presents this time of year, right? So with that in mind, click through to find the perfect gift for the Miley Cyrus, Joss Whedon, or J-Law in your life. You know you’ve got one.
Lily Allen Solid Gold Boob Ring, $7,500 at Nora Kogan Jewelry
Just imagine the imprint this ring would make in the face of the misogynist music industry next time Allen takes a swing at them. Er, metaphorically, of course.
Wes Anderson Raccoon + Ermine Embroidery, $148 at Michele Varian
If this isn’t an exact representation of the view from inside Anderson’s head, we don’t know what is.
Aziz Ansari You’re Cute Cards, $10 at In God We Trust
We think Tom Haverford might do a little better if he just passed out these cards to the ladies instead of using one of his pick-up lines. Plus, they’re gold. Talk about swag.
Arcade Fire Wood Bow Ties, $32 at Uncommon Goods
What else to get for Canadian indie rockers who insist on fancy dress?
Banksy Maison Martin Margiela Crystal Mask, price upon request
Banksy’s getting way too fancy for regular ways of hiding his face. Might as well follow in Kanye’s footsteps and put a little magic in his mask. Added bonus: this looks really difficult to get off/see through.
Beyoncé and Jay-Z Rose Gold Flatware Set, $112 at West Elm
The first family of American music should basically only be eating with gold.
Björk Ham Hock Coaster Set, $190 at The Future Perfect
And then maybe she’ll invite us over to put weird Icelandic drinks on them.
Anthony Bourdain Chef’s Pencil Set, $10 at ReForm School
The perfect crossover gift for our favorite chef-slash-scribe.
David Bowie iPad Gramophone, $299 at Restoration Hardware
Classy and refined, like the man today. Flamboyant and out-of-time, like the man of periods past. Gorgeous and musical, like the man always.
Benedict Cumberbatch Cashmere scarf, $490 at Burberry
What can we say? The man looks good in a scarf. He should have a closet full of the finest knits.
Miley Cyrus Cheeky Tongue Necklace, £25.00 at Lady Gonzalez
So she can give the real thing a break now and then without losing any of her cred.
Johnny Depp Kate Moss Coloring Book, $14.50 at ReForm School
Now that he and Vanessa Paradis have split, maybe he’ll be wanting to revisit the past…
Zooey Deschanel Vegetables Set, $15 at Tattly
The most tantalizing set of temporary tattoos for the twee-est girl on television.
Lena Dunham Help I Have Problems Kit, $22 at Fab
Probably slightly more useful for her character Hannah than for Dunham herself, but hey — every girl’s got problems.
Tina Fey Where’d You Go, Bernadette, by Maria Semple, $14.99 at Powell’s Books
It’s almost impossible she hasn’t read this, but a second copy never hurts. Consider it a gentle suggestion.
Rob Ford Come to Philly for the Crack T-Shirt, $28.99 at Skreened
Maybe it’s just a matter of relocating.
Pope Francis Rainbow flag, $22 at American Flags
Our new pope has already let his freak flag fly — “freak” here meaning “tolerance,” you understand — so why not give him an opportunity to fly a real one?
James Gandolfini Cashmere Cable-Knit Socks, $190 at Barney’s
We can’t think of the late Gandolfini without one of Tony Soprano’s most famous lines coming to mind: “You know my feelings: every day is a gift. It’s just, does it have to be socks?” But hey, if they were these socks, it might not have been so bad.
Sarah Michelle Gellar Band-Aid Ring, $122 at Need Supply Co.
No matter what role she’s in, she always seems to be saving somebody’s behind, and getting a little marked up in the process. A chic reminder that wounds heal — especially for a Slayer.
Prince George Giant Chalkboard Globe, $450 at Michele Varian
Baby’s first go at reorganizing the globe.
Tavi Gevinson Lene Gloves, $84 at Pour Porter
Somehow both adorable and edgy, like someone else we know.
Ryan Gosling Cuddle You So Hard Tee, $21 at Fab
The “girl” is implied.
Mindy Kaling Plush Uterus, $18 at Uncommon Goods
Couldn’t you just see Dr. Lahiri with a cheery plush uterus on her desk?
Lizzy Caplan Globetrotter Bow Tie, $34.94 Etsy
Here’s holding out hope that the sight of Caplan in a lovely bow tie like this one will remind the powers that be of the necessity of a little film project they’ve been neglecting…
Lady Gaga Golden Eggs, $300 at Grey Area
Here’s hoping she never kills the goose. But just in case.
Jennifer Lawrence Buffy the Vampire Slayer: the Complete Series, $139.99 at Amazon
Cool girls watch Buffy. A smart-assed, real-life tough girl who plays a warrior in a love triangle and whom every other girl in America wants for her very own best friend? She definitely is going to be into some Buffy. Plus, this girl needs a little veg time — seven seasons should cover it.
Lorde Fornasetti Theme & Variations Plate #370, $185 at Barney’s
Witty, chic and totally rock and roll, just like someone else we know. 17 isn’t too young to start receiving ludicrously expensive decorative plates, right?
David Lynch Log Head Rest, $21.95 at Delphinium Home
For entertaining his own personal log lady or just relaxing alone with a bearclaw while the log whispers secrets in his ear.
M.I.A. Blood Pins, $75 at Grey Area
A little tough, a little luxe, a little violent, a little bit of a message. And they go with everything.
Rooney Mara Cast Brass Baby With Dragon Tattoo, $298 at Michele Varian
To make her feel less alone.
Barack Obama 1984 T-Shirt, $28 at Out of Print
It’s not too soon to joke about this, right?
Michelle Obama Billy Broccoli, £45.00 at Donna Wilson
How could anyone say no to this vegetable?
Mandy Patinkin Beard Brush, $69 at A&G Merch
What else for one of the most important beards of the decade?
Pharrell MY03 Hacker Watch, £115.00 at Dezeen Watch Store
An atypical timepiece for the man obsessed with the 24-hour cycle.
Amy Poehler Ostrich Pillow, €80 at Studio Banana Things
For Leslie Knope post-recall, and Amy Poehler after any one of her busy days being a genius.
Lou Reed Vintage Clipper Ship Model, $70 at eBay
For sailing the darkened seas.
Rihanna Gold Weed Money Tote, $15 at Fab
She could always use another way to lug it all around.
J.D. Salinger Handmade Leather Journal with Lock, $80 at Etsy
Maybe this will keep the snoops out. Sure, it’s a little like shutting the barn door after the horse has run off, but it’s the though that counts.
Maggie Smith Vintage Sword Cane, £940.00 at Great Canes
Because what if the Dowager Countess suddenly pulled a sword out of her cane? Now that would be an amazing show.
Jon Stewart No Limits Pizza Quest, price on request at Scott’s Pizza Tours
There are probably a few NYC pizza spots even the all-time biggest fan of New York pizza hasn’t visited. Scott will hook him right up.
Patrick Stewart Seahorse Costume, $49.99 at Sears
How cute would that look in a bathtub?
Taylor Swift Fingerless Heart Gloves, $30 at Fab
A sweet pair of gloves for America’s sweetheart — featuring a heart that’s oh-so-easily broken, and just as easily reassembled.
Robin Thicke Studio Applause Sign, $475 at Etsy
An easy way to flatter his ego at home — without having to blow up all of those balloons.
Kerry Washington Vintage Cycles Gladiator Print, $37.80 at Barewalls
A little gladiator pride in a very classy package.
John Waters Hand Soaps, $18 at Cog & Pearl
Not even the strangest thing you’d see in John Waters’s bathroom, probably.
Anthony Weiner This Is How You Lose Her, Deluxe Edition, by Junot Diaz with illustrations by Jaime Hernandez, $40 at Powell’s Books
As Weiner knows, some things are just better with pictures. Like going down in history as the worst boyfriend ever.
Kanye West 99c Jesus, $22,000 at Grey Area
Kanye West is many things, but subtle he ain’t. Maybe for the baby’s bedroom?
North West Young Versace High Top Trainers, £185.00 at Childsplay
Speaking of baby — you know she’s going to be decked out in designer gear for the next 18 years at least. Here are some golden kicks to be worn for five minutes.
Joss Whedon The Feminist Mystique, $9.95 at Powell’s Books
Whedon’s recent speech on the word “feminism” drew some mixed reactions, but one thing is clear: the man’s heart is definitely in the right place (as if Buffy’s badassery didn’t teach us that already). Why not fuel his interest with one of America’s major feminist classics?
Robin Williams Emergency Clown Nose, $5 at Cog & Pearl
For off-the-cuff clowning.