Design on TV: Britney: For the Record

By
Share:

We’re not sure if you’re aware, y’all, but we’re in the midst of a Renaissance. A Brit-aissance, if you will, in which our dearest pop princess returns from the umbrella-breaking abyss to once again taunt us with her endless gyrating. Admit it. You watched Brit Brit’s For the Record special on MTV.

So let’s talk about her house.

The opening shot of the mock-doc closed in on her reportedly $7.5 million mansion, and for our heroine, home is where the cheese grits are. Papa Bear Spears was doing his best to turn the Beverly Hills pad into “Serenity”, Louisiana, cooking his baby some Southern grits.

Britney mentions that she built the mega-mansion when she was with FedEx, and that it was a big part of her building her dream life. We all know how that turned out. While she might have made the wrong choice with man, the bones of the house aren’t too shabby. It’s gigantic, with plenty of yard for her childrens to frolic in. It also looks like it was built by a Dubai princess, with bulky columns, cascading ivy, and room to park all her strange, tiny cars.

Before we got a glimpse of the interior, visions of possible décor were dancing in our heads. What would our dearest woman-child’s home look like? Would it covered in pink marabou feathers? Would it be adorned with photos of her tarting it up in her younger days (ala Jeana)? Would it be a just a larger version of a doublewide?

And then it looked exactly like what we imagined — Rococo princess chic.

A veritable taupe-a-palooza, it was filled with brass and cherry pieces that would look perfectly at home in any Louis XV-style showroom. In the bathroom, Britney had casually draped some necklaces over her sconces (good idea, pitifully executed). Every pillow had a tassel and every random corner had a brass statue. It did not seem child safe. It also did not seem adult-with-taste-safe.

Tiny tots Jayden James and Sean Preston need to be living somewhere warm and inviting (and not infested with her overbearing dad dressed as an evil clown). We think if she’s going to have a chance at a comeback, Brit’s home needs to be revamped for her new life. Something more modern with half as many pillows and twice as many colors, mayhaps?

Ok, who are we kidding. In reality her abode is a lot like the hooker shoes her dad was so concerned about — they might be kind of trashy, but they fit Brit Brit just right.