Sky Ferreira — Night Time, My Time Bushwick indie girls who go two at a time into the bathroom.
Foxygen — We Are the 21st Century Ambassadors of Peace and Magic People who are super nice to you in person and shit-talk you behind your back.
Lorde — Pure Heroine Poptimists who consider themselves “sophisticated.”
Frank Turner — Tape Deck Heart Punks who live in terror that someone will find out about their trust fund.
The National — Trouble Will Find Me Wine club subscribers.
Arcade Fire — Reflektor People who moved to Williamsburg seven years ago and still think it’s just the coolest place in the world.
The Strokes — Comedown Machine People who moved to the Lower East Side 15 years ago and still think it’s just the coolest place in the world.
Savages — Silence Yourself Solemn Londoners who have been described as “angular” at least once in their lives.
Miley Cyrus — Bangerz Tweens gone bad.
Kanye West — Yeezus People who like arguing about music more than they like listening to it.
Arctic Monkeys — AM The small pocket of people in Northern England that constitutes the NME‘s print subscriber base.
Oneohtrix Point Never — R Plus 7 Studious men who used to subscribe to The Wire.
Tim Hecker — Virgins Studious men who still subscribe to The Wire.
Pearl Jam — Lightning Bolt Men in their 30s who haven’t heard of half the stuff on these end-of-year lists, anyway.
Death Grips — Government Plates Conspiracy theorists.
Laura Marling — Once I Was an Eagle Girls who like crafts and have an intimidating knowledge of tea.
Majical Cloudz — Impersonator Indie dudes who are very in touch with their feelings.
Autre Ne Veut — Anxiety Indie dudes who’d like you to believe they’re very in touch with their feelings.
Waxahatchee — Cerulean Salt Indie girls who are very in touch with their feelings.
Speedy Ortiz — Major Arcana Girls who like hardcore and pop music.
Atoms for Peace — Amok Men who are far too old to have ponytails.
Blood Orange — Cupid Deluxe Stylish fashion industry guys who manage to make things like suspenders look cool.
Janelle Monáe — The Electric Lady Stylish fashion industry girls who manage to make things like suspenders look cool.
Eminem — The Marshall Mathers LP 2 Angry mid-20s white men who drink Coors Light and are concerned about rising gas prices.
Disclosure — Settle Shoppers who generally enjoy the music that gets played in H&M.
Barenaked Ladies — Grinning Streak Scruffy men who look like a real-life version of the Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons and make you slightly ashamed of your strong urge to punch them.
Tyler, the Creator — Wolf People just getting into Odd Future.
Earl Sweatshirt — Doris People just getting over Odd Future.
Paramore — Paramore Early 20s types who nurture inexplicably fond memories of pop punk.
Lady Gaga — ARTPOP Jeff Koons.
Fuck Buttons — Slow Focus Guys who casually discuss doing esoteric psychedelics with names made up of letters and numbers.
Danny Brown — Old People who appear to be permanently on several such psychedelics.
Paul McCartney — New Jann Wenner.
James Blake — Overgrown Thirty-somethings who work at investment banks but still consider themselves “hip.”
Yuck — Glow and Behold Dudes who are too young to remember the ’90s but are totally sure that was the time they should have been alive.
My Bloody Valentine — mbv Dudes who should be able to remember the ’90s but don’t.
Superchunk — I Hate Music Dudes who actually do remember the ’90s.
One Direction — Midnight Memories Early 20s ingenues who still insist on teddy bears and pink-painted walls.
M.I.A. — Matangi People who’ll corner you at parties and talk extensively about how Edward Snowden proves they were right all along.
Kurt Vile — Walkin’ On a Pretty Daze Benevolent stoners.
Chance the Rapper — Acid Rap Benevolent trippers (who may or may not be music journalists).
David Bowie — The Next Day Music journalists whose tripping days are behind them.
Chelsea Wolfe — Pain Is Beauty Brooklyn girls who have adopted goth as a semi-ironic fashion statement.
Icona Pop — This Is… Icona Pop People who will admit with a little sympathetic prompting that, no, they didn’t realize Charli XCX wasn’t in the band.
Los Campesinos! — No Blues Priapic liberal arts students who spend a lot of time on OKCupid.
Iceage — You’re Nothing Fascists Hardcore purists.
Boards of Canada — Tomorrow’s Harvest Earnest men who have been wearing the same brown cardigan for a decade.
Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds — Push the Sky Away Australians.
Pharmakon — Abandon Intense, hollow-eyed girls who are very attractive but also genuinely terrifying.
Pusha T — My Name Is My Name Hip hop heads who miss Clipse.
Jay-Z — Magna Carta Holy Grail People who think nothing of dropping several thousand dollars on a plasma-screen television.
Vampire Weekend — Modern Vampires of the City Well-groomed bros under 25 who have stock portfolios and own more dress shirts than T-shirts.
Justin Timberlake — The 20/20 Experience Creepy smooth-talking bros who refer to women as “ladies.”
Drake — Nothing Was the Same Creepy smooth-talking bros who refer to women as “ladies” and want you to feel their pain.
R. Kelly — Black Panties Creepy smooth-talking bros who will pressure you to do unspeakable things in bed.