There are just a little over two weeks left of the year, which means it’s almost too late to run any year-end list of the best cinematic offerings of 2013 (which seems silly, really, since most of us still haven’t seen a handful of Oscar-baiting movies due out at Christmas). But it is the perfect time for a gratuitous exercise in stereotypes, which is why you’ll find an incredibly insightful and — most importantly — correct list of what your favorite movie of the year says about you. Will you think I nailed it? Because I think I nailed it.
The Hunger Games: Catching Fire You’re a grown-ass woman.
American Hustle Halloween is your favorite holiday.
Carrie You’ve never heard of Sissy Spacek.
Evil Dead You’ve never heard of Bruce Campbell.
Monsters University You’re a cool dad.
Oz the Great and Powerful You’re still having acid flashbacks from college.
Captain Phillips You celebrate International Talk Like a Pirate Day every year.
The Great Gatsby You wish every book you had to read in high school could be 3D.
Frances Ha You’re running late to your shift at the Park Slope co-op.
Inside Llewyn Davis You’ve made a total of ten dollars playing your accordion on the subway platform.
World War Z You were hoping for a zombie Brad Pitt.
About Time You wish Rachel McAdams could be in every romantic drama.
The Best Man Holiday You’re definitely not seeing A Madea Christmas.
Nebraska You’re a self-loathing Midwesterner.
Rush You watch NASCAR races solely for the potential car crashes.
Lee Daniels’ The Butler You’ve been desperate for a Forrest Gump sequel for years.
Philomena You’re Judi Dench.
Frozen Having kids has now forced you to laugh at the lame for-adults jokes in children’s movies.
The Wolf of Wall Street You miss Bros Icing Bros.
The Hangover Part III You’re a straight dude.
Iron Man 3 You’re a straight dude.
Blue Is the Warmest Color You’re a straight dude.
Dallas Buyers Club You’re a straight dude.
Fast & Furious 6 You’re a straight dude, but you’d consider getting a handjob if you were drunk enough.
All Is Lost You love the J. Peterman catalog.
The Heat Identity Thief was your second-favorite movie of 2013.
Blue Jasmine You’re fine. Fine! Nothing’s wrong, everything’s fine. You’re FINE.
Before Midnight You’re not quite over your parents’ divorce.
Pacific Rim You care about explosions and identity politics.
August: Osage County You’re still surprised you didn’t hate it.
The Croods You’re either eight years old or a liar.
Man of Steel You used to be a huge Superman fan.
The Conjuring You’ll take any excuse to see Lili Taylor in a movie.
Gravity You went to Space Camp three years after it was socially acceptable.
Star Trek Into Darkness You’ve reapproriated the word “nerd.”
Grown Ups 2 You’re Adam Sandler.
Olympus Has Fallen You thought you saw White House Down.
12 Years a Slave [All jokes redacted.]