‘Tis the season for eggnog, presents, ugly sweaters, relatives getting too drunk at family functions, and little kids hoping that old St. Nick will bring them gifts that they will probably tire of within days of ripping open the packaging come December 25th. It’s Christmastime, and just like you and everyone you know who is pasting a Santa hat on their Twitter avatar or Facebook profile pic, your favorite authors like to get into the spirit of things as well. So, with quite a bit of Photoshopping research, we assembled this series of never-before-seen images of famous authors revealing a festive side that — in many cases — we never knew existed. Here they are, donning festive gear and telling us what they want for the holidays.
Who knows what Stephen King wants for Christmas, but now that he’s on Twitter, he could give us a great gift just by tweeting in our direction. It might even make some of the nightmares we’ve been dealing with because of his books go away.
Bret Easton Ellis is hoping Santa Clause will give him his relevance back this year.
William Faulkner would really appreciate it if you’d refill his glass with more bourbon. Hey, it’s Christmas!
Martin Amis wishes he were back in England, instead of bloody Brooklyn, for Christmas.
Dorothy Parker wants you to step up your clever-party-quips game for Christmas.
Truman Capote wants you to tell him all the good gossip for Christmas.
Franz Kafka doesn’t celebrate Christmas, because he’s Jewish. That’s why he’d like to know why he woke up as one of Santa’s elves. He’d also like a better relationship with his father.
Donna Tartt’s Christmas wish is for you to have patience while she takes another decade to write her next novel.
Jonathan Franzen would like to see the downfall of Twitter for Christmas, and then he’d like to see all the computers go, and basically every other form of modern technology after that until the most brilliant scribes are allowed to write novels with quills, and the unwashed masses can read them if they’d like.
Ernest Hemingway wishes they served booze and adventure in heaven.
Gary Shteyngart wishes it was still Thanksgivukkah. But since that’s over, he’d really like you to buy his forthcoming memoir.