Stereotyping You by Your Favorite Valentine’s Day Sex Jam

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If you’re looking to show your significant other a proper Valentine’s Day, you need a proper soundtrack to go along with it. Whether you’re the type who spends bags of money to hire a violin quartet to accompany your romantic dinner or a straight-up slow-jams fan, V-Day requires just the right amount of mood music.

Of course, any Casanova knows that all the chocolates, roses, kisses, sweet nothings, and romantic soundtracks don’t really matter if you don’t have a designated Sex Jam to get the home fires raging. You want things to go right this Valentine’s Day? You gotta have a Sex Jam! You must have that song that kicks things up a notch. So here is our lighthearted, meaningless, and sure-to-be-taken-too-seriously-anyway analysis of what that Sex Jam says about you.

Ginuwine — “Pony”

Selecting this R&B classic, produced during Timbaland’s late-’90s Golden Era, means one of two things:

1. You have good taste in both Sex Jams and the finer things in life. Your valentine is a very lucky person.

2. You live in a dorm room at a liberal arts college and think this song is kinda funny. Hopefully, as you grow up, you’ll age into #1.

H-Town — “Knockin’ Da Boots”

You have not one, but two sets of satin sheets in your closet. You might also have more than one valentine every year.

Q Lazzarus — “Goodbye Horses”

If this is your Sex Jam, you just don’t seem to understand why you get so many “it puts the lotion in the basket” jokes.

U2 — “With or Without You”

You are wealthy, but nobody can figure out how or why. You knew the real Wolf of Wall Street long before Leonardo DiCaprio played him. You are an over-kisser. You smoke cloves. You have a ponytail.

Barry White — “Can’t Get Enough of Your Love, Babe”

“Yes, dad, I’ll be out of the house tonight. You don’t have to lie and tell me you’re fumigating — I get it. I mean, I don’t want to get it, but I do. No, I haven’t seen your Barry White CD. Maybe just download that one song? Sure, I’ll teach you how to do that… after Valentine’s Day.”

Phil Collins — “In the Air Tonight”

Not only is this sorta Patrick Bateman territory, but I think this song is about Phil Collins watching somebody else watch somebody drown. You want to get freaky to this?

Bruce Springsteen — “Born in the USA”

You have a beard and/or you are from New Jersey. You also don’t get why you always strike out every year on February 14. You just want a significant other who appreciates The Boss and the USA as much as you do.

Motörhead — “Ace of Spades”

You always have a little too much to drink on Valentine’s Day, but your leather-clad significant other doesn’t mind.

“Mine,” or any other song by Taylor Swift

I love Taylor just as much as the next person, but this is how you plan to seal the deal on Valentine’s Day? Sorry to be the one to tell you that your friends think of you as the Shoshanna of the group.

Arcade Fire — “Wake Up”

You didn’t “sell out,” you “bought in.” You took your date rock climbing for Valentine’s Day. You have artisanal condoms ready and waiting by the bedside.

Miley Cyrus — “We Can’t Stop”

You spend all of V-Day trying to explain pop culture to your date, before whisking them away to your new apartment in one of those glass box buildings, where you pour them a glass of champagne and then bring Google Glass to bed with you. You also really like Terry Richardson.

Kate Bush — “Hounds of Love”

You are a sensitive and beautiful soul. Don’t ever change.