Take a drink whenever…
Someone mispronounces the names of 12 Years a Slave actor Chiwetel Ejiofor, Captain Phillips actor Barkhad Abdi, or 12 Years a Slave actress Lupita Nyong’o. Then cringe.
Ellen joyfully breaks into song or dance while everyone else looks miserable.
The camera cuts to Tom Hanks, Meryl Streep, or another well-behaved Hollywood statesperson for a reaction shot.
Blue Jasmine is mentioned, because it’s going to get really awkward if someone says the W.A. word.
Someone laments the absence of Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.
Finish your drink if…
Leonardo DiCaprio finally wins his first Oscar. Finish someone else’s drink when you’re done if he performs his Wolf of Wall Street pop and lock routine to celebrate.
Jennifer Lawrence’s dress (or some other J. Law-ism) inspires a new meme.
Someone looks visibly uncomfortable introducing the potential Best Documentary Feature award for the harrowing film The Act of Killing. They need your liquid courage.
Christian Bale says to hell with it and proudly sports his American Hustle combover.
You spot anyone copying Jared Leto’s greasy Golden Globes man bun, and it’s not cute.
Do a shot if…
The planned multi-part tribute to “heroes” (real and fictional) insultingly compares Nelson Mandela with Iron Man… or something.
Matthew McConaughey channels True Detective and reminds us that time is a flat circle during his potential Best Actor speech.
The disembodied voice of Scarlett Johansson announces any of the category winners Her-style or performs a comedic routine with Ellen.
Someone makes an inappropriate joke about 12 Years a Slave. Just don’t.
The Academy finally gets an “In Memoriam” segment right and includes a clip of Philip Seymour Hoffman as Brandt in The Big Lebowski laughing nervously.
Bette Midler and Liza Minnelli serve diva realness and bring the house down. We’re expecting tears during Liza’s Wizard of Oz tribute. Will the Divine Miss M pull “Wind Beneath My Wings” out of her back pocket?
Finish the bottle if…
The real Jordan Belfort crashes the ceremony with strippers, a marching band, little people, and a roller-skating chimpanzee in tow.
Ain’t no party like an Emma Thompson party. Drink it all if the actress shows up boozy, barefoot, or with martini in hand.
Sandra Bullock and George Clooney accept any Gravity awards à la high-flying Pink at the Grammys.
Paul Rudd storms the stage and dances us off into the night.