The Best Bizarre ‘True Detective’ Merch


The moment we’ve all been dreading has finally arrived. This Sunday, the season finale of HBO’s True Detective airs. All we can hope is that time really is a flat circle, and Matthew McConaughey’s Rust Cohle and Woody Harrelson’s Marty Hart will live on somehow. There’s a lot resting on the episode “Form and Void.” Who is the Yellow King? Will Rust ever wash his hair? Who mows the lawns in Carcosa? True Detective fandom has spiraled out of control (so many spirals… ) — in a good, and sometimes, creepy way. We found a few bizarre pieces of merch that will tingle your metafiction senses.

Big Hug Mugs: preferred by gaunt, scraggly drunks everywhere. Etsy and eBay have them, but you might pay upwards of $100 for a lookalike. Ranting, existential alcoholic and cigarette ashes not included.

The ghost of Rustin past will haunt you.

This creepy, mangled doll assemblage, with vintage deer antlers, is meant to resemble victim Dora Kelly Lange and can be yours for the low price of just $145. The concerned looks you’ll get from friends: priceless.

Be the life of the party by channeling your inner skeptic, David Hume-style.

Well thank goodness we solved that mystery.

Pretty much.

“When you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss also gazes into you,” so buy one of these 1.5” mirrors so you don’t miss it. The seller promises it “looks great on bare, slightly discolored walls.”

If True Detective doesn’t reveal who the Yellow King is, perhaps this cross-stitch incantation will summon him. The series references Robert W. Chambers’ The King in Yellow, which warns:

“The name of Hastur may not thrice be spoken without the direst of consequences. Above and below the dread name are the crown and skull mask of the King in Yellow. When the time comes to unmask, what horrors may be beheld behind his silken veil? The shadows lengthen in Carcosa.”

So basically, we’re all doomed.

We’d purchase this King in Yellow-inspired sigil box, but we’re afraid of what we’d find inside.

“Straight from Reggie Ledoux’s trailer park meth-lab, it’s a Satanic nightmare catcher stick witch!” If that pitch doesn’t sell you on this spooky devil catcher then human consciousness is a tragic misstep in human evolution, and what the hell is happening.

The perfect accessory for all your crafty cowboy needs (made from recycled Lone Star beer boxes, even). Tiny tin men sold separately. If you want to class up the joint, wear these bottle cap earrings.