1. Mike’s Hard Lemonade (1999)
This is the one I might be most embarrassed by. There is nothing “hard” about lemonade, unless you’re pouring Country Time mix straight into vodka, downing it with painkillers, then going to see a Japanese noise rock band.
2. Kahlua pre-mixed White Russians (1999-early 2000)
I’m also really embarrassed by this one. My friend and I used to buy these with a fake ID, then go drink them at this punk squat some people we knew lived at.
3. MD 20/20 (2000-2002)
I still see bottles of this stuff, and I automatically hear Edith Piaf singing, “Non, je ne regrette rien.” Also, as a Jew, I was happy and shocked to find out years later that MD didn’t stand for “Mad Dog,” but “Mogen David.” So now I feel like all that puking I did after drinking this stuff was a mitzvah.
4. Sparks (2002-2003)
There was this horrible time in my life when almost every night a friend would say, “Hey, let’s go to [insert Williamsburg or Lower East Side bar here]. They have free Sparks and cheap PBR!” You’d drink this stuff, projectile vomit orange, curse your existence, then go out and relive it like you were Bill Murray in Groundhog Day.
5. Four Loko (2005)
The year 2005 was a dark time in my life, one that included drinking a few cans of Four Loko. Today I look back on that time and laugh, because Four Loko looks like the booze equivalent of Guy Fieri, and is probably one of the great sins against humanity we have all ever happily chugged down. To be totally honest, Four Loko was garbage, and we’re probably better off just going back to drinking Olde English and plastic bottles of Popov if we’re all so desperate to get drunk and yell “No rules!” really loudly. All I can say to that is Goodbye Four Loko, and good fucking riddance.