Winter is coming in spring with the premiere of the fourth season of Game of Thrones tonight on HBO. “All men must die,” is the tagline for the new installment, which we hope translates to dragons effing things up for everyone. There’s a wedding to prepare for, a war to fight, new (and shady) characters to meet, and a whole lot of backstabbing going around. It’s business as usual on Westeros, and you’re going to need a nip of something to keep the bloody good times going. If you haven’t Thrones’d it yet, beware of spoilers. The rest of you head past the break with drinks in hand. Valar morghulis!
Take a drink whenever…
“Hodor! Hodor! Hodor!”
dragons appear, because there can never be enough mother-lovin’ dragons.
lusty “Red Viper,” Prince Oberyn Martell (Pedro Pascal), seduces someone. The new character is ready to charm the pants off the people of Westeros, but is filled with a seething hatred for the Lannisters. Celebrate with an extra drink if the writers make Red Viper an equal opportunity playa. (The book version of the character suggests he’s had plenty of sexytimes with women and men.)
Jon Snow (Kit Harington) gives emo face. Take another drink if he does that thing with his tongue, again.
White Walkers appear. We know they’re preparing for battle and readying to head toward The Wall.
Finish your drink if…
Jaime Lannister (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) has creepy sex with sister Cersei during their reunion, because incest isn’t best (and we thought he changed after his time with Gwendoline Christie’s Brienne… maybe?).
Melisandre (Carice van Houten) summons her scary vagina shadow assassins again. While we’re impressed with her evil womb powers, will we get to find out what her true intentions are with Stannis Baratheon this season?
The wedding between Margaery Tyrell (Natalie Dormer) and King Joffrey (Jack Gleeson) is as difficult to watch as the Red Wedding from season three. Finish two drinks if Olenna Tyrell (Diana Rigg) makes it tolerable by talking ish about everyone there.
Sansa Stark (Sophie Turner) finally grows a backbone and uses her arranged marriage to Tyrion Lannister (Peter Dinklage) to save what’s left of her family.
Tyrion surprises his family by cutting the puppet strings that father Tywin controls. Hopefully he marries the woman he really loves (Sibel Kekilli’s Shae) or gives his rotten father the business.
Do a shot if…
Tommen Baratheon (the newly cast Dean-Charles Chapman), King Joffrey’s younger brother, proves to be more maddening than Joffrey.
Mother of Dragons, Daenerys Targaryen (Emilia Clarke), launches her battle for the throne sooner rather than later. The suspense has been killer, and we’re all going to need this shot to get through it.
Wildling archer Ygritte gets sweet revenge, leaving Jon Snow in a serious pickle… or, you know, dead.
The writers take the Jorah Mormont crushing on Daenerys storyline too far. We hope he stays a noble man during her battle for the throne and doesn’t get jealous of the attention Daario Naharis (played by the newly cast Michiel Huisman) gives the dragon mama.
Finish the bottle if…
your desire to throttle “King” Joffrey overwhelms you, because murder is bad in real life. Time for you to sleep it off.
Theon Greyjoy (Alfie Allen) and Jaime Lannister bond over lost body parts.
the cast recites their lines in Hopelandic, in honor of the forthcoming Sigur Rós cameo.
it turns out that the crippled Bran Stark (Isaac Hempstead-Wright) isn’t a Warg. That spooky eye thing and the three-eyed raven is just part of his witch house act.
Arya Stark (Maisie Williams) and Daenerys Targaryen team up to kick all the ass, because that’s one version of the show we’d forgo all other characters for.