Stereotyping You By Your Favorite Jim Jarmusch Movie

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Only Lovers Left Alive, the ultra-cool vampire hangout flick from indie legend Jim Jarmusch, is out tomorrow in limited release, marking an even dozen feature films from the creatively coiffed auteur. It’s a fascinating filmography, encompassing multiple genres (from comedy to Western to action movie to horror) without fully turning over to any of them; all of his movies are, above all else, Jim Jarmusch Movies, which has sort of become a genre of its own. Yet the film that you pick as your favorite says a lot about you as a person — and thus we give the Jarmusch filmography our signature “stereotyping you by” treatment.

Permanent Vacation: People who write “First!” in comment sections.

Stranger than Paradise: People who have more than one pork pie hat, and more than one 78 rpm record.

Down by Law: People who pre-ordered Tom Waits’ Orphans: Brawlers, Bawlers & Bastards box set. Also, people who still haven’t forgiven Roberto Benigni for Life Is Beautiful.

Mystery Train: People who love Elvis. Also, people who “ironically” love Elvis.

Night on Earth: Women who’ve gone from wanting to be Winona Ryder to wanting to be Gena Rowlands.

Dead Man: Men who have, at least once in their lives, worn mutton chops and some sort of crafted mustache. Also, women who own at least one corset.

Year of the Horse: People whose entire wardrobe is comprised of flannel shirts and long underwear.

Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai: Men who own multiple Wu-Tang albums on vinyl, and multiple Seijun Suzuki films on imported Blu-ray.

Coffee and Cigarettes: People who still call each other “Billmurray” in casual conversation and couldn’t care less that other people don’t know why the hell they’re doing that.

Broken Flowers: People who thought Bill Murray was too cheery in Lost in Translation.

The Limits of Control: Heidegger diehards who thought Ghost Dog had “way too much plot, man.”

Only Lovers Left Alive: People who rotate between multiple shades of black fingernail/toenail polish.