Your Guide to Surviving the Baby Boomer Clone Apocalypse


Stop this madness! You might think it’s all very well for some dentist somewhere, who apparently has one of John Lennon’s teeth, to use it to create some sort of clone of the late Beatles bandleader — but this is the thin end of the wedge. Remember Jurassic Park? If this idea isn’t stopped immediately, then we’re looking at something even worse than the end of the world: eternal life for the baby boomers! It starts with one Lennon, but before we know it, there’ll be armies of Jerry Garcias devouring everything before them, and hordes of John Bonhams prowling the streets in search of prey.

Thankfully, it’s not all terrible news. If the boomer clone apocalypse comes to pass, we’ve got tips for surviving it. Behold: your field guide to enduring an eternity of boomer cultural hegemony — just the thing for a sunny Friday afternoon, no?

Wear a T-shirt that features any band formed after 1980 True fact: this makes you invisible to many baby boomers. The ones who do see you will regard you with bewilderment and then move on in search of easier prey. (Punk and goth gear is particularly good for such purposes.)

Wear tie-dye If the above strategy fails, you can trade in your Sisters of Mercy shirt for any sort of tie-dye creation. This is a riskier proposition — you’ll have to interact with the boomers, and if they discover that you’re trying to fly below the radar, you’re toast. But if it works, you’ll be able to move freely amongst them, and eventually make your escape to safer territory.

Menace them with a hamburger The dirtier the better. McDonald’s is ideal. The sight of non-vegan non-mung-bean food should be enough to send even the most hardened hippie running in terror.

Tell them about San Francisco Yes, tell them everything. Tell them about the Google bus. Tell them about the sky-high rents. Tell them about tech bros and Google Glass. Show them Valleywag. Show them what’s happened to Delores Park. Watch them weep in despair. And leg it.

Show them this

Wield a copy of Rolling Stone Yes, they still print a physical magazine, and yes, you can use it to fend off the most rapacious of the boomer hordes. For best results, roll two of them up and fashion them into a cross.

Hand over your weed And then edge quietly away as your captors talk about how much better the drugs used to be in the 1960s. If all goes well, they’ll spend hours on end trying to roll a joint — meanwhile, you’ll be out of there in no time, and they won’t even notice you’re gone.

If all else fails, talk about Woodstock Claim to have been there and talk at length about the mud. If anyone challenges you, tell them, “If you can remember the ’60s, you weren’t there.”