The Walking Dead Replica Katana Sword — $249.99
Have $250 to spare? Why not buy a replica of a sword that a fictional character uses to kill zombies! It’s “assembled with traditional Japanese sword making techniques” and comes with a custom sword stand and a certificate of authenticity, lest anyone claim you got a fake replica of a zombie sword.
Breaking Bad “Yo Bitch!” Fathead — $79.99
For those who are still missing Breaking Bad, you can now wake up to Jesse Pinkman’s sweet swearing face every morning. For just $80, this three-foot fathead will hang on your wall and cheerfully greet everyone who walks in.
Sons of Anarchy Temporary Reaper Tattoo — $16.95
If you’ve ever wanted to be like Jax from Sons of Anarchy but were too scared to buy a motorcycle and join a biker gang, then here is one small step you could take: get (temporarily) branded! It’s 11×11 and comes in a set of two: one for you and one for your best friend.
Sex & The City Central Park Dog Coat — $109.99
I haven’t seen much Sex & The City, so it’s possible this item has way more meaning than I believe it does — but really, I’m pretty sure it’s just a super-expensive dog coat. According to the item description, it’s both “vogue and versatile,” which are important qualities that dogs look for in a coat.
Sex & The City Heel & Yellow Cab Cookies – $55.00
I could maybe understand the dog coat. Maybe. But $55 — plus an additional $18 shipping surcharge — for only four cookies? It’s a price that only, well, the cast of Sex & The City can afford. But hey, they’re shaped like heels on taxi cabs, so that’s something.
Archer Baby Seamus Plush — $34.95
The wee baby Seamus is one of my favorite running bits on Archer, but this plush doll is just plain creepy. There’s something about his face that feels less Seamus and more Chucky. I do commend FX for sticking with continuity — the toy has an “Archer” tattoo. (By the way, FX also has Dicky and Seamus tattoos for sale.)
Girls Burnout Hoodie — $49.99
My favorite thing about TV merchandise is when a network clearly has no idea what it should sell. Take this Girls hoodie. “What can we sell to Girls‘ fans?” “Uh, maybe they like to wear hoodies?” (They also like umbrellas and nail polish, apparently.) How do they tie a plain hoodie in with the show? The official item description says it’s great for “perusing Craigslist for a possible job lead.”
Wilfred Deluxe Costume with Toy Cigarette and Black Nose Paint — $110.95
Sure, the average fan of Wilfred will pay $99.95 for an official Wilfred costume, but if you want to stand out and show that you’re a real fan, then you must shell out an extra ten bucks for a fake cigarette and black paint. That way, no one at the crowded Wilfred fan convention will dare call you a poser.
2 Broke Girls Costume — $59.95
Speaking of costumes, here’s an idea for next Halloween: a waitress! Specifically, a waitress from 2 Broke Girls! It’s the perfect way to show everyone you’re a fan of horrible television. With two — two! — different name tags, one for Max and one for Carline, you can even use it again next year.
Workaholics Official Bear Coat — $199.50
Don’t be fooled by cheap imitators — you must get the official bear coat from Workaholics. You can “look straight grizzly” with this exact replica of Blake’s coat. According to reviews, it “wears ok” but “don’t expect it to be a REAL coat.” How you can pass that up?
The Good Wife Will’s Leather Sofa — $4,275
Here’s a new one: a home furnishing company and television show collaboration. Mitchell Gold + Bob Williams teamed up with The Good Wife for a collection of ridiculously priced furniture that is vaguely reminiscent of the acclaimed CBS show. This sofa may cost a few thousand dollars, but that feeling of pride when visitors walk into your living room and exclaim, “I can’t believe you have a sofa inspired by a legal drama!” is priceless.
2 Broke Girls White Circle Pot — $89.95
The Good Wife isn’t the only CBS show that inexplicably offers expensive home furnishings to its fans. If you’re in the market for a new planter but want one that proudly remarks on your individuality, style, and love for 2 Broke Girls, then the “White Circle Pot” is your best bet. The only real question is, why do these two broke girls who can barely afford food own a $90 flower pot?
Doctor Who TARDIS Shower Rack — $49.50
By this point, I’ve come to just accept everything related to Doctor Who, but come on, do we really need an officially licensed shower rack? Fill your house with television merchandise, but maybe give the bathroom a break.
Bates Motel Robe — $49.50
For some reason, Bates Motel teamed up with Hot Topic for a line of tie-in merchandise. (Remember when you were younger and Hot Topic was all about alt-clothing and band tees? It is now mostly belts that say “SWAG” and Big Bang Theory tees.) The shower curtain makes more sense — though they could’ve done better with the design — but this plain robe is just silly.
Sharknado Defense Team T-shirt – $20.50
T-shirts are the most common television merchandise, definitely the most affordable and practical, but not every thing on television deserves the T-shirt treatment. Sharknado was a fun night of television that should never have resulted in a whole collection of Sharknado T-shirts. Let it die, Hot Topic.
Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Snake Men’s Fragrance — $19.50
Ever wanted to smell like a Power Ranger? No? Well, you can anyway! I’m not sure if Power Rangers is having another resurgence or if Hot Topic just happened to find a box of these in the stock room, but either way, this “Snake-inspired” fragrance sounds awful.
The Big Bang Theory Clue — $39.95
I’m all for pop culture versions of board games — I play Shrek and WWE Monopoly more often than I should admit — but if there’s a show that doesn’t deserve the Clue treatment, it’s The Big Bang Theory. In this edition, there’s no murder; instead, players have to figure out who has “done something to betray Sheldon.” Riveting!
NCIS Bert the Farting Hippo — $44.95
I have, embarrassingly enough, watched an awful lot of NCIS yet still have no clue how this ties in to the show or why it’s such a popular item — and honestly, I’m not sure I want to know. Before you buy, heed CBS’ advisory that “the retail version of Bert may not sound identical to that shown on NCIS.” So what’s the point?
NCIS Gibbs Standee — $39.95
If a farting hippo doesn’t fulfill your NCIS needs, the CBS store offers plenty of other options, including this cardboard standee of Agent Gibbs (Mark Harmon). The exclusive standee is “great for your next NCIS party.” You know, all those popular NCIS parties that happen in college dorms across America.
Game of Thrones Life Size Iron Throne Replica — $30,000
It’s impossible to talk about absurd television merchandise without bringing up this $30,000 (plus $2,500 for shipping) Iron Throne. It may be a tad on the expensive side, but it’s worth it! In fact, why stop at just one? Buy a dozen! Everyone will want to come to your house for Thanksgiving! (Unfortunately, it may clash with your Good Wife furniture collection).