Is this really happening? We’ve reached the end? The seventh and final season of Mad Men debuts tonight, and emotions are running high ‘round these parts. We’re handling it the way any 1960’s ad exec would — with a stiff drink. This week, we told you everything we know about the forthcoming season; we talked Mad Men fashion, literature, and film; and we even gave you a season six refresher course. Since your head is already swimming with anticipation and the sadz, why not add regret to the mix and guzzle your way through the season seven premiere along with us? We thought so, you lush.
Take a drink whenever…
Any Mad Men character takes a drink.
Pete Campbell and Harry Crane wear something obnoxious. You know it’s coming, based on their promo stills.
You miss Trudy, because girlfriend is rarely on the show these days it seems.
Bob Benson appears. Who the hell is this guy?
Roger spends his time skirt-chasing and wishing they all could be California girls.
Don has another Hershey’s-style existential crisis. One just isn’t enough.
Finish your drink if…
Someone gets Bridesmaids-style drunk à la Kristen Wiig and kicked off an airplane.
Ken Cosgrove does another amazing soft-shoe performance, because we need another GIF to obsess over ASAP.
Sally Draper and Glen Bishop sneak off to Woodstock (the festival opened in 1969). Finish two drinks if they join a love cult or something.
Don becomes a Led Zeppelin fan (they debuted their first album and embarked on their first U.S. tour in 1969) and debates with anyone who will listen about the band’s best song ever.
Joan has a big moment, and it becomes clear she’s stopped giving two f*cks about everyone else. She finally gets out from under the Sterling Cooper & Partners thumb.
Megan finally lands a movie role.
Do a shot if…
Don decides to buy and repurpose the dilapidated brothel, because… what.
The writers make a protopunk reference about The Stooges, MC5, or some other band that acknowledges the birth of the genre. Cheers to that.
Peggy officially takes over during Don’s leave of absence from Sterling Cooper & Partners. She’s more than earned that spot.
Pete Campbell finally comes out of the closet. Well, you know, that’s just, like, one of our opinions, man.
Betty remarries. She’s collecting ex-husbands, apparently.
Stan and Peggy become a couple. We can see the good and bad in this.
Ginsberg loses his virginity.
Finish the bottle if…
Ted’s wife finds out about Peggy (and other flings, we’re sure).
The sock-lovin’ parter of Sterling Cooper & Partners, Bert Cooper, shuffles off this mortal coil.
The gun Pete Campbell purchased after returning a ceramic chip-and-dip wedding present is finally put to use. We haven’t had a good feeling about that thing since Pete dragged it out of the closet after finding out Peggy had his baby.
The Megan Draper-is-Sharon Tate conspiracy theory comes true. 1969 was the year that the Manson family committed the Tate-LaBianca murders, just sayin’.
Someone discovers that they’re pregnant. This dysfunctional group doesn’t need more babies to deal with right now.
Bob Benson turns out to be a time-traveling Don Draper or one of the other wacky B.B. conspiracy theories comes true. We always knew that guy was shady.