The world Shonda Rhimes has created on Scandal is one that, when you’re immersed in it, seems glamorous, thrilling, and important. But if you snap out of its clutches for but a moment, like breaking cross-eyed contact with the hidden image in a Magic Eye, you see it for what it truly is: a fantasy Washington, DC snow globe with a bunch of whiny people making lofty and emotional Grey’s Anatomy speeches when they’re not covertly making out with each other and/or crying. Some characters in particular have become so insufferable over the course of these three seasons that I emit involuntary groans of disgust when they disgrace the screen with their presence.
But this week, we’ve received a promise of destruction to shake things up: Maya Pope’s bomb is presumably set to go off at Senator Hightower’s funeral, instead of the Defiance High School presidential massacre we expected (hoped for?) last week. Currently in the line of fire are Sally Langston (sayonara, Sally!), Leo Bergen (eh), and Andrew Nichols (PLEASE, GOD, NO!) — although since this is Scandal, we should expect a bigger twist. Plus, we’re still awaiting news of Eli Pope’s condition.
Unfortunately, we audience members have no say in who lives or who dies — otherwise, our beloved angel James would still be around, and Cyrus would have bitten it long ago. But if we could reroute the bomb for a fantasy finale, these are the characters we’d place on our hit list:
5. Abby Whelan
If I see her smiling, wide-eyed nod accompany the phrase, “Off of a cliff,” one more time, I’m going pull a Maybelle Doyle and cut off my own ear. Granted, she’s improved leaps and bounds since Season 1, when she delighted in calling people sluts, but she’s still just a bit too chipper — and her unwavering loyalty to Olivia Pope & Associates freaks me out a little. Sure, David Rosen would be sad for a while, but I’m sure we could find him another nice woman who’s obsessed with white hats and her boss.
4. Maya Pope
We thought this murderous sociopath was dead before, but then it turned out she was very much alive and ready to jump back into her old line of work. I’ve lost count of the number of deaths she’s responsible for, and if she stays alive we can guarantee dozens more, at varying levels of gruesomeness. Scandal‘s world would be much safer if it were rid of Mama Pope and her brand of slow-release terror. Also, we never know when she might chew through her own wrists again, and that is not a scene we should have to relive.
3. Jerry Grant, Jr.
After years of hearing Jerry and Karen’s names and assuming they’d be faceless forever, we finally met the little buggers this season. Karen, understandably traumatized after seeing her mother on her knees with “Uncle Andrew,” seems harmless, but little Jerry, Jr. is another story. First he runs an anti-Grant Twitter account, then he wants to wear a Reston campaign shirt during the family interview, and now it turns out he might be Fitz’s half-brother. This is getting icky, even though the last bit isn’t his fault. Still, he’s not bringing much to the table, and we don’t know him that well, so it would be all right if we lost him.
2. Quinn Perkins
I highly doubt there’s a Scandal viewer who doesn’t want Quinn dead (if you are a Quinn fan, I would love to hear why). She betrays people left and right — Olivia, Huck, Charlie, Olivia Pope & Associates, B613 — and she and her sassy attitude have got to go. She’s been power-hungry since Season 2, which was bad enough, but now that she and Huck are angrily licking each other any chance they get, she’s even worse. Kill Quinn, put Huck in therapy, then reunite him with his cute lost family. It’s not like Command would punish him for going back to them now. We’re way past that.
1. Fitzgerald Grant
There is absolutely no reason to keep this two-year-old disguised as a grown man alive any longer (except that, like, the show might need a new premise). Olivia and Cyrus love to wax poetic about Fitz’s insurmountable presidential prowess: “the leader of the free world,” “the most powerful person on the planet,” the person they believe will turn Earth into some sort of peaceful, productive utopia. But it’s been four years, and all Fitz has really done is cheat, make empty promises, murder an old lady, hire people to stalk Olivia, make Olivia and Mellie feel horrible about themselves at all times, and throw temper tantrums when both women don’t remain completely faithful to him. How about this scenario: Fitz/Andrew win the election, Fitz dies, Andrew/Mellie get together, and Olivia/Jake elope and run far away from both DC and that godforsaken estate in Vermont.