Absurd Urban Dictionary Definitions of Famous Authors


You probably know Urban Dictionary as the place where parental types lurk and where the English language goes to die. As crass as the definitions are, they’re occasionally accurate — especially in the case of these famous authors. Urban Dictionary users have a crude way of getting right to the point, which is where the humor in these definitions of iconic literary figures shines bright. They’re not exactly factual, but we can’t argue that Poe’s life sucked, that Franz Kafka needs his own rock opera, or that Vonnegut is deserving of much worship. Presented without comment, and with grammatical/spelling errors intact, see how Urban Dictionary defines your favorite writers, below.

Virginia Woolf

1. Pretentious Poseur: Do you know Virginia Woolf? No? She’s like one of the coolest writers around, dude. I can feel her pain man. Life is pain. I want to drown myself too.

English Professor: E.M. Forster wrote that Woolf’s weakness as a writer is her inability to get out of character. Consider the possible role of dialectic in Woolf’s works with respect to the relevance of a revisioning of the concept of realism in the wake of World War I.

Bitter Undergraduate: Did you know that Woolf caused my GPA to drop by 0.5? I hate these stupid difficult writers who make no sense.

Mark Twain

1. A man who came up with approximately 50% of all quotes used today. “Let there be light” —God famously quoting Mark Twain

5. he lived in hanible a small town with nothing much there. old writer that lived in the day he was a pimp

Edgar Allan Poe

3. Basically: His mom died, his adopted mom died, his wife died, his aunt died, his second wife died and then he died. So, that sucks. Edgar Allan Poe

Jane Austen

1. *Sarah sitting in the coroner innocently reading Pride and prejudice by Jane Austen*

Twilight Fan: oooo Bella read that book! It must be good!

Sarah: Well while Stephanie Meyer makes her painful novel pass as literature by mentioning this book, some people actually read it. Bella is a shallow, unrealistic fictional character while all of Austen’s characters and more life like than me!

Twilight Fan: Whaaaaattttt (said with much air)

Sarah: My point you illiterate imbecile!

William Shakespeare

3. Hated by English students worldwide. He is supposed to be the greatest playwright to have ever lived in spite of being in dire need of a spell check.

Kurt Vonnegut

2. A writer. Most famously wrote Sluaghter House Five, cats cradle. A literarly God.

By the way, his son, Mark Vonnegut, has a wonderful book. It’s called, “The Eden Express.” Kurt Vonnegut is god. He is a better writer then you. He is a better writer then all the other writers that you read.

3. a god. better than god. kurt vonnegut is much cooler than you.

5. a really good writer, but not a god. that sorta takes it too far. My friend recommended Galapagos by Kurt Vonnegut. I enjoyed it, but it didn’t make me want to worship him.

Dr. Seuss

1. The street name of Theodor Seuss Geisel, a notorious drug dealer in the Los Angeles area during the 1960’s. He is known for his whimsical pitches when selling heroine; including made up on the spot words and phrases. . . . Dr. Seuss: “I Betstacy you’ll love my ecstasy!” Addict: “Whoa…did I come here high? Did you really just say that?”

5. not a real doctor dr. seuss is a writer not a doctor

Anne Rice

6. Tolkien for whiny goth teenagers. Life is unfair, I want to die….whhhaaaaaa. Oh well, I guess I’ll read some Anne Rice.

J. R. R. Tolkien

5. an artist and a genius. Known for the Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit. Pretty much awesonme dude. Wish I could have met him before he died. Guy: Who’s that Tolkien guy? Girl: You don’t know? Let’s go to my nerd lair and find out.

Lewis Carroll

3. The world’s first stoner. There is no way Lewis Carroll could’ve written the Alice in Wonderland saga sober. I don’t know what they had back in the 19th century that could get you high, but whatever it was he was doing it!

Franz Kafka

1. I’m just a lonely german, A lonely german from Prague, HE IS FRANZ KAFKA! FRANZ KAFKA! Oh. a rock opera based of Franz Kafka’s Metamorphosis..

Harper Lee

1. Harper Lee…here’s a kick from every school child for the next 500 years!!

Photo credit: Sarah Lee

Chuck Palahniuk

2. PALAHNIUK: pall of knee yuck

William S. Burroughs

1. The name for that old, usually trench coated man at a party who has seemingly snuck in off the streets and stands in the background silently the whole time.

Randy: “dude, does anyone here know that guy in the corner with the trenchcoat chain smoking? he just appeared all the sudden looking like he’s going to open fire at any moment” Frank: “I don’t know man, he’s just the William S. Burroughs of the party. Maybe we can score some Benzedrine off him later”

Ayn Rand

4. A writer of much inconsistency

6. Mid-20th century Pop-philosopher who first propounded objectivism in a set of rather poorly written cult novels. Her philosophy is founded on unremarkable restatements of the obvious, prizing material achievement, self-centered pride, and unfettered commerce as virtues over love, humility, generosity, and faithfulness. Followers of objectivism, called randroids, tend to be a rude, selfish, condescending bunch, intolerant of anything that does not perfectly match their ultra-naturalist, laissez-faire dogmatism.

“A=A, oh, how A=A,” the randroid muttered again and again, softly, obsessively, as he cut out heart-shaped pictures of Ayn Rand from a magazine for his objectivist collage showing her to be the pinnacle of human evolution.

7. Ayn Rand has been admired by many, but laughed at by still more