300 Sandwiches: An Alternate Ending


As you no doubt read this morning, the 300 Sandwiches woman isn’t going to finish her blog, mainly because her boyfriend proposed to her after sandwich #257, costing himself 43 sandwiches but winning himself eternal love. Or something like that. As much as anything, I’m just sad the blog won’t get finished, because really, how many more sandwich recipes can you come up with? Well, here’s how it might have played out, anyway.

Sandwich #1: A bagel! It’s shaped like a ring, you see! An engagement ring!

Sandwich #2: The second sandwich. For a long time I have hesitated to write a book on sandwiches. The subject is irritating, especially to women; and it is not new. But hey, someone gave me a book deal!

Sandwich #3: But first we must ask, what is a sandwich?

Sandwich #4: The “Book Deal.” White bread and sprinkles. Fluffy and not especially memorable.

Sandwich #5: One is not born, but rather becomes, a maker of sandwiches.

Sandwich #6: “Hey girl, I heard you like sandwiches, so I made you a ham on rye.” No, E. never says this. He’s happy, though. That’s all that counts.

Sandwich #7: The “Nice Guy.” Why doesn’t everyone love this sandwich? It’s so nice! People only like asshole sandwiches!

Sandwich #8: Can the sandwich hand speak? There is no virtue in global shopping lists. Sandwiches have not withered away.

Sandwich #9: I’m making you sandwiches. Trust me.

Sandwich #10: The “Georgia O’Keeffe.” E. seemed to particularly enjoy this one, for reasons I can’t quite put my finger on.

Sandwich #11: Fish. No bicycle.

Sandwich #12: The “Listserv.” So many new ideas! Somewhat overwhelming, though. E. thinks I should get off the computer and make a sandwich.

Sandwich #13: The “Julie Burchill.” The recipe was popular 20 years ago, apparently? Awful.

Sandwich #14: Sandwiches are for everybody! Passionate about sandwiches!

Sandwich #15: The “Daenerys.” Flame-grilled.

Sandwich #16: Hot salami is the way that we rhyme. Please don’t stop.

Sandwich #17: That girl thinks she’s the queen of the neighborhood! She’s got the hottest sandwich in town!

Sandwich #18: The “Kurt Cobain.” Not really a sandwich, to be honest. More like an honorary sandwich. E. enjoyed it, though.

Sandwich #19: Some people think little girls should be seen and not heard — but I think, oh sandwich, up yours!

Sandwich #20: You do not do, you do not do, any more, cordon bleu. Sandwich, I have had to kill you.

Sandwich #21: A sandwich of one’s own.

Sandwich #22: I, with a deeper instinct, choose a sandwich that compels my strength, that makes enormous demands on me, that does not doubt my courage or my toughness, that does not believe me naïve or innocent, that has the courage to treat me like a woman.

Sandwich #23: The “Peggy Olson.” It has everything, and so much of it! Drink with vodka and Mountain Dew. No good with duck.

Sandwich #24: If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just make a sandwich. Have I mentioned my book?

Sandwich #25: The “Ayn Rand.” Banh mi, mi, mi.

Sandwich #26: The sandwich that has no name. The recipe lay buried, unspoken, for many years.

Sandwich #27: The “Frida Kahlo.” Mexican. Obviously.

Sandwich #28: The “Beyoncé.” Experimenting with the breadless sandwich. Is it a real sandwich, though?

Sandwich #29: The “Germaine Greer.” Salty.

Sandwich #30: Dust and ash. Dust and ash.

Sandwich #31: The “Judith Butler.” Flavor does not follow from ingredients in the sense that what ingredients your sandwich ‘is’ determines what kind of flavor it will ‘have.’

Sandwich #32: What are sandwiches to rocks and mountains?

Sandwich #33: The sandwich myth. How America’s obsession with sandwiches is hurting young sandwiches. E. thinks I’m going crazy.

Sandwich #34: A vindication of the rights of sandwich makers?

Sandwich #35: The “Naomi Wolf.” No, there aren’t any photos. It doesn’t matter what the sandwich looks like!

Sandwich #36: Teeth. Google that shit.

Sandwich #37: Sliced bologna. Thinking of calling this one the Lorena. Or the Greyjoy, maybe. E. has stopped talking to me.

Sandwich #38: The society for cutting up sandwiches?

Sandwich #39: Sandwiches are stupid. Throw rocks at them.

Sandwich #40: It is in vain to say human beings ought to be satisfied with sandwiches: they must have action; and they will make it if they cannot find it.


Sandwich #42: Kale and sliced avocado and mushrooms. Where is your god now?

Sandwich #43: Cyanide. Wedding day. Canapés. So delicious! E. was so happy! And that’s all that matters!