Ah, Morrissey. It is both a blessing and a curse that our favorite morose sex idiot of music celebrates his 55th birthday today. On the one hand, he has the opportunity to release tolerable music (such as the upcoming album, World Peace Is None of Your Business, out in July). On the other, he’ll keep running his mouth. Sure, some of the things he says are too hilarious to take seriously, and his infinite grumpiness is, in a way, quite adorable! Yet, there’s also the undercurrent of racism and xenophobia that has plagued our favorite militant vegetarian’s commentary in recent years. (Morrissey is kind of like our grandmothers, only he hates pork roasts and has an affinity for pomade.) Still, he provides a variety of put-downs and passive-aggressive statements for nearly all situations, and after the jump, you’ll find a treasury of his funniest, meanest, and most downright brutal statements that just might be applicable to your own life.
When your college friend invites you to his improv show: “I don’t perform. Seals perform.”
When your singer-songwriter ex-boyfriend releases his debut album: “[Writing music is] communication with people without having the extreme inconvenience of actually phoning anybody up.”
While shuffling through customs at Heathrow: “The gates of England are flooded. The country’s been thrown away.”
When a co-worker strikes up a conversation about the royal baby: “I despise royalty. I always have done. It’s fairy story nonsense.”
Upon receiving an invitation to watch the Olympic Opening Ceremonies: “I am unable to watch the Olympics due to the blustering jingoism that drenches the event.”
When commenting on a Jezebel article: “I think it’s easier to be a woman. The women’s movement has been so successful; the men’s movement has never been accepted.”
When a friend wants to watch The Queen on HBO: “For a broad historical view of what the Queen is and how she ‘rules,’ examine Gaddafi or Mubarak, and see if you can spot any difference. You won’t be able to.”
When a wedding DJ puts on a Motown record: “I detest Stevie Wonder. I think Diana Ross is awful. I hate all those records in the Top 40 — Janet Jackson, Whitney Houston. I think they’re vile in the extreme.”
When handed an invitation to a rave: “Rave is the refuge for the mentally deficient. It’s made by dull people for dull people.”
When someone expresses admiration for Mike Joyce: “If you come across any Smiths CDs, don’t buy them, because all the money goes to that wretched drummer.”
When your store clerk friend tells you she can’t join you on your Memorial Day picnic: “I suppose you have work tomorrow? That’s quite sad, really.”
When a family member laments a national tragedy on Facebook: “Though that is nothing compared to what happens in McDonald’s and Kentucky Fried Shit every day.”