There are more dates. Joe dates a concert violinist and Wee Wee dates a “headliner” named Justice. Both dates are very boring. Later, the six of them — still naked, of course — drink in the pool. Wee Wee lusts over Joe, Joe lusts over Jasmine, Jasmine lets Justice pour Jack Daniels into her mouth. It’s all so very stupid and high school. There is some drama when Joe kisses Wee Wee and, later, Wee Wee walks in on him kissing Jasmine. Think Trudy finally confronting a cheating Pete on Mad Men.
The next day, naked and probably hungover, Wee Wee and Joe have to make their final choices. For the audience, the choice is obvious: no one. Don’t date anyone who willingly chooses to go on a VH1 show titled Dating Naked. But it’s not so black-and-white for the contestants; after all, they all chose to go on this show and therefore all deserve each other. Joe, surprisingly, chooses Wee Wee because Jasmine was too much of a chase, whatever that means. Wee Wee takes her time, not wanting to get involved with a player like Joe but also not wanting to spend the rest of her very long life single and alone — because that’s the shitty, hidden subtext of all of these dating shows: This is your last resort, and if you don’t find love here, you won’t find love anywhere. So she picks Joe. It’s anticlimactic.
Dating Naked is nothing more than a boring and stereotypical dating show. There is nothing that sets it apart besides the nudity aspect — and the number of close-ups on butts. This is a show for Tina Belcher, which is to say that it’s not nearly as cool or controversial as VH1 seems to think. Also, there are so many other naked shows on television! Maybe we should re-title this era the Golden Age of Nudity?
But you know what? If you love dating shows (and admittedly, I sometimes do), then there’s nothing you won’t love about Dating Naked. That’s fine. I will probably keep watching because the contestants are awful and the drama is totally manufactured, and that’s what makes it kinda fun. And honestly? The first moments, when the vulnerable contestants meet each other, are awkwardly sweet.
Toward the premiere’s end, we get one final line from our egotistical buddy Justice, a line dripping with so much hubris that even Heisenberg couldn’t pull it off: “Wee Wee don’t have the swag to facilitate Justice.” He even speaks in the third person! It’s such a perfectly shitty ending to a perfectly shitty show.