Between Rivers Cuomo’s college sitcom DeTour, Adam Levine’s 1990s autobiographical comedy, and the countless forgettable singers that will find themselves on forgettable reality shows, it looks like 2015 could be the year musicians take over television. It’s not exactly a bad thing, but surely NBC could do better than pairing up a Maroon 5 frontman with a Family Guy writer. To help TV fully embrace this musical trend, here are ten musicians who also deserve television shows — and pitches for each one. No need to thank us, networks, just put the check in the mail.
Courtney Love Format: Reality Home Makeover Network: HGTV The pitch: Have you seen Courtney Love’s Pinterest? Homegirl has a board for textiles and another for dream houses and hotels, in addition to a number of more specific boards: For the Home, Dream Home, Hippy Summer Dream Home UK, New UK Apt New NY Smaller Apt (yes, that’s all one board), Dream NE Farm, The House, Doors, and more. And as much as I’d love to see her tag-team making over some hapless 30-something with her pal Michael Kors, I would rather see her smashing shit with a sledgehammer, yelling at a beefy contractor, and rolling around in velvet curtains. — Jillian Mapes
Alice Cooper Format: Single-Camera Sitcom Network: NBC The pitch: When The Osbournes went on the air in 2002, viewers marveled at the Prince of Darkness’ domestic life. Alice Cooper, on the other hand, makes Ozzy look like Satan incarnate in terms of good behavior on the family-man front. Cooper (real name: Vincent Furnier) is a sober born-again Christian, political moderate, longtime husband and father, and avid golfer living in Phoenix. On stage, he’s… well, he’s Alice Cooper. But imagine if he were your dad, his fake-blood-covered shirts and leather pants getting mixed up in your load of whites. Set in current times rather than during Cooper’s peak, this sitcom focuses on the shocking normal suburban family of a shock-rocker. Other cast members include a gorgeous yet down-to-earth blonde wife and two teenage kids who wish dad would just get a normal job. “Why can’t he just be an actuary?!” his daughter demands, after dad asks to borrow her black eyeliner. — JM
Christopher Owens Format: Drama-Thriller Mini-Series Network: Sundance or HBO The pitch: As a boy, former Girls frontman Christopher Owens was raised by a single mother, a follower of the nomadic religious cult Children of God. They skipped across continents — no telephones, no TV, no outside books — just their tight-knit community of hippie expatriates. The Children of God taught Owens and the other kids in the cult to sing and play guitar on the street for spare change. That’s partially how they supported themselves. It’s also how Owens found a way out. He turned his busking into a one-way ticket to Texas when he was 16.” I see this being a little like Rectify and a little like True Detective: it can be slow-moving, jump to flashbacks, and overall, chronicle Owens’ fight to escape in a finite timeframe. — JM
Lady Gaga Format: Multi-Camera Sitcom with Laugh Track Network: CBS The pitch: An Everybody Loves Raymond reboot — Everybody Loves Stefani — in which Gaga’s Italian-American parents feed and fuss over her every whim and artistic insecurity. Sibling tension takes hold in this fictionalized look at Gaga’s home life, with her sister working at her parents’ ailing Italian restaurant in Manhattan. When Stefani suffers a painful leg injury, she leans on her family to take care of her. Bored, she brings in Jeff Koons for a second opinion on the restaurant’s decor, and frightens the patrons by belting out that they need the meatballs “more than dope” during the dinner rush. Dad offers to beat up Angela Cheng… if he can find her. — JM
DMX Format: Prison Drama Network: Fox The pitch: I know DMX already had a BET reality show, DMX: Soul of a Man, but it focused on his spirituality and day-to-day recovery… and only lasted six episodes because of it. I’d like to see the rapper channel his many jail stints into a partially fictionalized prison drama about a prominent rapper who’s the new guy in the cell block. Is hazing worse? Does he have a built-in posse? Do the guards ask him for autographs? What happens when Ja Rule shows up during visiting hours? — JM
Fred Durst Format: Multi-Camera Sitcom Network: CBS The pitch: Durst had a potential sitcom in the works back in 2011 that never worked out, but I’ve been obsessed with the idea ever since. He’s an inherently funny character, a walking, talking punchline, but is also self-aware — the show’s working title was Douchebag. Durst would be great for a semi-raunchy CBS family sitcom about the overlap between his home life and his rock-star lifestyle. What will happen when he leaves the baby on top of the tour bus? Or when a groupie becomes best friends with his teen daughter? Douchebag aims to answer that eternal question: Can a Limp Bizkit frontman have it all? — Pilot Viruet
Lisa Loeb Format: Scripted Reality Network: TV Land The pitch: Lisa Loeb has been out of the mainstream spotlight for years but never truly disappeared. After appearances on Gossip Girl and Workaholics, Loeb should head up her own series on TV Land, where former stars try and fail to rejuvenate their careers! This heavily scripted reality show titled “Stay (In the ’90s)” will follow Loeb as she attempts to live a purely ’90s lifestyle in 2014: using dial-up Internet, trying to buy inflatable furniture from baffled IKEA employees, and constantly getting injured on a Razor scooter. — PV
Liam and Noel Gallagher Format: Autobiographical Dramas Network: Spike TV and Esquire Network, respectively. The pitch: The explosive relationship between Liam and Noel Gallagher has been well documented and contains plenty of dramatic material for a critically acclaimed AMC show that explores the idea of brotherhood… But instead, Liam will tell his side of the story in a terrible Spike TV series while Noel, not to be outdone, takes his version to Esquire Network. The rival shows will air on rival networks at the same time. Both will be full of falsities, and both will be terrible. — PV
LaTavia Roberson and LeToya Luckett Format: Multi-Camera Buddy Comedy Network: Oxygen Why?: LaTavia Roberson and LeToya Luckett, two original members of Destiny’s Child, are teaming up for a zany buddy comedy. In this totally non-autobiographical sitcom, Roberson and Luckett star as two former members of an all-girl group who left just as the band was taking off. Years later, they run into each other and realize they are both still biter and resentful of the other group members’ success. The sitcom, which both women will repeatedly claim is absolutely not inspired by any true events, follows Roberson and Luckett as they team up to sabotage their nemeses in increasingly hilarious ways (that always backfire). — PV
Nelly Format: Single-Camera Sports Comedy Network: FX/FXX The pitch: Prior to becoming a hip-hop star, Nelly was on track to become a professional baseball player. Pitched as Everybody Hates Chris meets The Sandlot, this autobiographical sitcom would follow a young Nelly in inner city St. Louis. After being rejected from the school’s official team, Nelly and his friends start their own ragtag baseball team and fight to be taken seriously in the league — with plenty of mishaps along the way! — PV