In case you’d like a soundtrack for the incoming deluge of links, Haim’s collabo with Calvin Harris is the perfect, fast-paced electro-anthem to help you feel a sense of deliberateness as you meander through this web of distraction. The song would also, of course, be great to dance to, but this simply isn’t the place for that, partially because:
Who could bring themselves to dance in a world where Carrie Bradshaw and an infamous singer of the standards (and TLC) team up to suck the lives out of children on All Hallows’ Eve? Who, indeed, except the poor souls Hocus Pocus’ Sanderson sisters force to “dance, dance until [they] die?” Buzzfeed has the skinny on everything you didn’t know about Hocus Pocus, perhaps most notably that Leonardo DiCaprio was originally offered the part of Max, the virgin whose virginy virginity brings the Sanderson sisters back to life. And second most notably that Rosie O’Donnell was originally asked to play the vacuum-riding Mary Sanderson (which ultimately went to the amazing Kathy Najimy), but declined because allegedly she feared the impact pretending to be a child-killing witch would have on her image. SJP seems to have done just fine, though perhaps dating Aidan was her karmic comeuppance (he WAS annoying, dammit).
Amy Poehler wasn’t in Hocus Pocus. But she was on Reddit this afternoon, doing an AMA. Maria Bamford also wasn’t in Hocus Pocus, nor was she on Reddit this afternoon, but she may have been off fist-fighting Liza Minnelli, who, in an A.V. Club interview, Bamford gloatingly said she could take down.
Bamford does not have a cat, but Taylor Swift (who was not in Hocus Pocus, nor on Reddit yesterday, nor off fist-fighting with Liza Minnelli) does. And though Swift’s imitation of her cat doesn’t quite attain the verisimilitude you’d hope for, her nasal meow is perhaps one of her most intriguing lyrics in recent memory — it certainly captures the sounds of New York far more accurately than her latest single.
Lastly, R.L. Stine wasn’t in Hocus Pocus, on Reddit, off fist-fighting Liza Minnelli, making cat noises or singing about New York (though none of this can really be confirmed) but he has been writing a Halloween story about a repulsive sandwich on Twitter. Click here for more information on sandwiches.