How To Be Inappropriate’s Daniel Nester Presents 90 Different Moons
In Daniel Nester’s book of essays How to Be Inappropriate he tells us about dating a Williamsburg painter who had her feet licked for money; attempting to put a curse on his neighbor for failing to curb his dog; befriending The King of Kong video gamer Todd Rogers. He also provides us with a short cultural history of mooning. Yes, that mooning. We’ve excerpted our favorite bit after the jump. Warning: Thanks to his hilariously inappropriate Periodic Table of Mooning it’s probably NSFW.
Variations of moon/the moon as act/mooning, as defined by the author: 1. Anonymous Moon 2. Backwards Yoga Instructor Moon (see Inadvertent Moon) 3. Banana Split, male handstand with legs spread 4. Beaver Moon, moon with female genitalia somehow exposed (see Rotating Beaver Moon) 5. Bent-Over Moon 6. Black and Blue Moon, bruised moon 7. Blue Moon, a.k.a Sexually Frustrated Moon 8. Cherry Moon, mooning underage children or mooning for the first time 9. Chocolate Moon, mooning followed by defecating on floor, lawn, bottom of pool 10. Cruise Moon, a.k.a. Tom Cruise Moon, mooning with sunglasses atop buttocks 11. Double Hogback Growler, a.k.a. Full Moon with Stick Out, plus Salad Tuck-Under 12. Downward-Facing Dog Moon, moon with buttocks facing sky while touching ground (see Backwards Yoga Instructor Moon) 13. Dropping Trou, straightforward moon at appropriate distance 14. Erotic Moon, as in: invitation for sex 15. Fire Fart, moon with lighter, usually before lighting fart (see Pyroflatulence) 16. Flip-and-Moon, a.k.a. Chuck a Moon or Throw a Moon or 17. Flashing, with skirt 18. Fried Eggs, a.k.a. Boobs on Glass 19. Fruit Bowl, moon with both penis and testicles visible 20. Fruit Cocktail, a.k.a. Fruit Bowl against Glass, a.k.a. Pressed Ham with male genitals tucked back against glass, with water poured down ham 21. Full Moon on Glass 22. Full Moon Plus Upper Thigh 23. Full Moon, standard 24. Full Moon with Peach Fuzz, a.k.a. Fresh-Shaved Moon 25. Full Moon with Red Eye, one-cheeked 26. Full Moon with Red Eye, on glass 27. Full Moon with Red Eye, two-cheeked 28. Full Moon with Red Eye, two-cheeked on glass, enclosed with flatulence, a.k.a. Dutch Oven 29. Full Moon with Red Eye, two-cheeked, with gapping 30. Full Moon with Steam, partially exposed, a.k.a. One-Cheek Sneak
31. Full Moon with Stick Out, a.k.a. The Growler 32. Funcooker, The (as used by the Tracy Jordan/Morgan character from the show 30 Rock) 33. Gapping Moon, a.k.a. Red Eye 34. Gobbling Turkey, same as Double Hogback Growler, except with jumping 35. Group Moon, orchestrated (see Annual Mooning of Amtrak in Orange County, CA) 36. Group Moon, semi-orchestrated (see Helicopter Tourists Above Black’s Beach Bares Nudist Community in La Jolla, CA) 37. Group Moon, unorchestrated (see Fire Island) 38. Hanging a BA, a.k.a. Hanging a Bare Ass, term from skateboard culture, possibly meaning a moon while skateboarding 39. Hanging Brains, a handstand in moving car, with mooner’s naked lower half — buttocks, genitals, etc. — sticking out of sunroof 40. Hidden Moon, mooner patiently waits for moonee to stumble upon their moon, instead of popping out all flashy style (see scene in E.T. where E.T. is hiding with the stuffed animals, only picture an ass instead of an alien) 41. Humpback Whale, a.k.a. Free Willy Moon, resurfacing pantsless in pool, lake, or ocean 42. Inadvertent Moon, a.k.a. Accidental Moon 43. Inverted Fruit Cup, mooner’s view as he/she bends over (see Three-Bean Salad) 44. Jailbait Moon, mooning/being mooned under age of 18 (see Cherry Moon) 45. Jump-in-Bed Moon 46. Kissing Moon, up-close moon with intention of getting moonee to kiss mooner’s buttocks; usually a rhetorical or symbolic act with verbal invitation; incarnations among the underaged sometimes include moonee pinned and pressed toward moon, or mooner in squatting position toward moonee’s face 47. Lingering Moon, moon act that lasts too long, perhaps with wish to turn into an Erotic Moon 48. Lunar Eclipse, involves a veiling/unveiling, i.e., either a person or an object (a tree, for example) temporarily obstructs the mooner before mooner appears 49. Man on Moon, a.k.a. Men on Moon, in which young college boys, generally at Big 10–type schools, paint or draw faces on cheeks to serenade prospective dates 50. Moon as Free Speech Statement 51. Moon as Political Statement 52. Moon Battle, a.k.a. Moon Duel, two or more people mooning each other in retaliation to another (see Braveheart battle scene moon) 53. Moon Beside Highway 54. Moon Blossom, moon followed by fart/flatulence 55. Moon Cycle, a.k.a. Lunar Rover, mooning while on bicycles 56. Moon from, and sometimes on, Car Window 57. Moon on Bet 58. Moon on Dare 59. Moon on Windshield (see Pressed Ham) 60. Moon Pun Scenario, a.k.a. Homonym Moon, involves asking prospective moonee a question with a pun on the word moon, then mooning that person; for example, in a Post Office a mooner asks if this is a mooniciple building, then moons; or, pointing to sky, says, “wow, look at the moon,” then drops pants
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61. Moon Rocks, moon with testicles showing (see Red-Eyed Rooster) 62. Moons of Mars, two people moon at once, imitating the two moons of Mars 63. Moons Over My Hammy®, named after Denny’s breakfast sandwich of the same name6; the threat of mooning on the way back from or en route to a late-night run to a 24-hour Denny’s 64. Nixon Moon, a.k.a. I Am Not a Crook Moon, as seen on The Simpsons, a shaking moon with a rubber nose attached while imitating mannerisms of 37th President of the United States 65. Painted Wiggler, a.k.a. Smiley Face Moon or Tagged Moon7 66. Pantsless Moon, i.e., streaking 67. Paper Moon, mooning with toilet paper still stuck to self or underwear 68. Partial Moon, a.k.a. Coin Slot or Plumber’s Crack 69. Paternal Moon, a.k.a. Paternalistic Moon, a moon committed with an “I’ll show ya how it’s done” premise or intention 70. Pooning, any variety of legs-apart mooning by a woman 71. Pressed Ham, a.k.a. Ass on Glass 72. Private Moon, a.k.a. Moon Rehearsal or Mirror Check before Mooning in Public (see Self-Moon) 73. Pyroflatulence, moon with sole purpose of lighting farts (see Fire Fart) 74. Red-Eyed Rooster, full moon with cheeks spread with tip of penis visible between legs 75. Rotating Beaver Moon, moon with female genitalia exposed with twirling (see Beaver Moon, Pooning) 76. Seemingly Inadvertent Yet Actually Fashion Statement Thong Moon (see Partial Moon, Inadvertent Moon) 77. Shaking Moon, a.k.a. Shakira Moon 78. Spanking Moon, single hand 79. Spanking Moon, someone else’s hands 80. Spanking Moon, two hands 81. Spotted Moon, mooning with butt acne 82. Submerged Moon, a.k.a. Underwater Moon or Pool Diver’s Surprise 83. Three-Bean Salad 84. Triple Dip Banana Split with Cherry, three men moon from back of convertible with top down, with woman sitting on top of back seat 85. Turtle Head Poker, moon with bit of poop coming out 86. Walking Away While Pulling Down Pants Moon 87. Walking/Running Moon 88. Warding Off Evil Moon, a.k.a. Grotesque/Humoresque Moon, entrance figures depicted in medieval statues exposing buttocks, as well as other body parts, in front of churches in Rodez, France; Verona, Italy; and Tullin, Austria, intended to ward off and mock evil spirits 89. Winkie Brown Eye 90. Woman Moon (see Pooning)
Copyright © 2009 by Daniel Nester from How to Be Inappropriate. Reprinted by permission of Counterpoint.