The scene today in New York City is a bleak one, gloomy and cold and windy to boot, the stone facades of the old downtown buildings stained dark from the torrents of rain. It’s cause for introspection, self-analysis, and, of course, reading. Maybe even reading about micropenises.
There’s a medically defined thing that is a micropenis, but all you need to know is that it’s a very small penis. Two or three inches, maybe. New York Magazine has an (NSFW, maybe) interview with a 51-year-old British teacher who just happens to have a micropenis, and his answers are evidence that his internal life is as stormy as today’s New York City.
One of the most disturbing things the anonymous interviewee says is:
I’m often worried that women feel they have to return the favor, but I would need to be very thoroughly persuaded that any woman would really want to put my horrible little penis in her mouth, and then taste the result.
It’s amazing how self-aware, if not tortured, he is. He talks about his first, awful sexual experiences, the difficulty of finding small condoms (which, believe it or not, Enrique Iglesias has said he can identify with), and, perhaps most interestingly: the obvious difference in the attitudes of men with big penises. It’s all, in a very odd way, heartbreaking.
Having a micropenis is probably as difficult as being a postal service employee. All that turbulent weather, all of that job insecurity. Things are probably better for postal service employees in Sweden though — all things are, really — because they’ve just announced a new line of stamps featuring all of Sweden’s favorite “indie” musicians! First Aid Kit, Avicii, and goddamn Robyn (!) will be all over envelopes in Sweden starting January 15. Bizarre, right?
Not as bizarre as this nuts-o commercial for Totino’s Pizza Rolls made by the universe’s resident weirdo auteurs, Tim and Eric. The three-minute clip is a green-screened nightmare, with cascading images of Totino’s rolls and nonsensical talking about whatever. It’s a commercial for drunk food targeting people who are already drunk and/or stoned. Which I suppose is perfectly fine. This isn’t even the first commercial they’ve made.
But, low-grade commercials are in today, apparently, as a new, fake trailer for a Birdman Returns movie has been released — used, probably, as a way to think about Birdman again, now that it’s been eclipsed by Interstellar and Big Hero 6. The trailer, which emulates ’90s (or ’80s?) movie trailers, barely shows Michael Keaton, but he’s there, in full, cheese-tastic costume, and maybe makes you wish this was the Birdman movie that was actually released.