Grannies Smoke Weed While Grapples Repel Birds: Links You Need to See


The Internet is all about syntheses — this post, for example, promises to be a synthesis of dizzyingly unrelated materials from other websites, rendered marginally cohesive only by their proximity to one another herein. What better a place to talk, then, about the Grapple, the newest unnecessary synthesis of two fruits? Now, I’ve fallen victim to the homey allure of apple pie gum and the near-erotic delight of a Gusher or two (they still exist)! I’ve even had highly conflicting feelings about genetically engineered products. But one thing that somehow seems like the end of the world is the “Grapple,” on which Munchies has made a lengthy video.

Perhaps it’s just the sinister name. Much like the Puggle or the Labradoodle (the pug/beagle and labrador/poodle mixes, respectively), which are actually quite delightful, there’s something about the title itself that makes you feel you’re choking on the toxic fumes of the future. That or, you know, choking on methyl anthranilate, the bird-repellent used to make the Grapple, which is, in case you hadn’t already guessed, an apple that tastes like a grape. If I wanted my fruits to be such a mind-fuck, I’d just have Christopher Nolan direct them. Snap!(ple)!

Of course, if you were one of these weed-smoking grannies, brought to our attention by UPROXX, perhaps the Grapple would seem more appealing:

But you’re not. (And if you are, hi!) So you’re probably just as disconcerted by the Grapple as I am. It might comfort you to know that in such times of unease, there are people who can help. I’m not talking about psychiatrists or family members or besties: I’m talking, of course, about professional cuddlers like Samantha Hess, with whom you can platonically cuddle in a small, “nautical beach room” in Oregon for up to five hours. Don’t feel alarmed if this seems enticing: you’re not alone. Hess has reported having received 10,000 emails about her business per week.

Indeed, as the Singularity approaches, at least while it still matters, sometimes you just need to be reminded that you’re a body. A body that, perhaps, shouldn’t go ingesting too many Grapples. And just as your body should probably lay off the hybrid fruits, Rob Horning writes on The New Inquiry about the dissonance created by the false hybrids of our online/offline selves, proposing a challenge to the “social” ways we use social media. He especially questions our attention to the quantifiability of popularity these platforms emphasize.

While the fragmentation and compression of self might be a theme present in your everyday social (media) lives and in most movies featuring dystopian futures, The Atlantic points out that these movies tend to either forget or ignore racism and sexism. The future may be a time where everything is horrific and oppressive, so it’s curious that these imaginarily terrifying futures somehow rarely incorporate the forms of oppression present in our contemporary lives. Let it be said that it’d also behoove makers of dystopian films to give more screen time to the Grapple.