The holiday film genre is a goldmine of mediocrity. It’s hard to know who is to blame, from the C-list talent, to the cliché plot lines, and cash-grab moviemakers shilling cheesy Christmas cheer. Tis the season! We’re looking at Christmas movies with the worst IMDb plot keywords — because what do “black leather pants” and “Hooked on Phonics” have to do with the holidays? These insufferable films range from depressing to ridiculous, so brace yourself for a whole lot of WTF, and watch with caution.
The Most WTF Plot Keywords: gambling debt, domestic violence, assault.
“A Christmastime drama centered around the Whitfield family’s first holiday together in four years.”
What else do you expect from a film starring Chris Brown?
The Most WTF Plot Keywords: brain damage, alone on christmas, suicide contemplation, fired from the job.
“On Christmas Eve, Lefty is a homeless and unemployed alcoholic loser that will lose the right to see his son. In despair, he trades a gun and is ready to heist a convenience store and commit suicide. Eva is a lonely old lady estranged from her family that is ready to commit suicide. Kirk is the owner of a convenience store and gas station that feels stranded in his work. Mary is a mother that is raising her young son alone after the accident of her husband that has brain damage. Mitch is a youngster that belongs to a Christian group of youths that does not understand the reason why they should visit lonely old people of his community in the Christmas Eve. The lonely and depressed persons have their lives affected for good by minor acts of kindness and sympathy and Mitch realizes how important his assignment has made the difference.”
And the award for most depressing Christmas movie goes to Stephen Baldwin (shocker).
Home Alone: The Holiday Heist, 2012
The Most WTF Plot Keywords: camcorder, black leather pants, hit on the butt, limping man, screaming in fear, ankle injury, spitting out food, ghost.
“Finn Baxter and his family move from California to Maine to their new house. Finn is terrified and believes the house is haunted. While he sets up traps to catch the “ghost”, his parents get stranded across town and Finn is home alone with his sister. Their house is targeted by 3 thieves.”
Christmas movie or Tinder experience gone wrong?
The Most WTF Plot Keywords: hobo, estranged father, motherless child, crying man, police station, drifter, homelessness, walking on train tracks.
“An old hobo finds the family he walked out on 20 years before.”
Barnard Hughes, aka the wacky grandpa from The Lost Boys, plays the hobo. Nooo.
The Most WTF Plot Keywords: mumblecore, buddy comedy, mockumentary.
“A recently fired, eccentric reality TV camera operator finds a muse for a documentary. A young struggling actor in the heart of Los Angeles who risk’s everything selling Christmas trees with his undeniably incompetent best friend.”
Pick a genre, Egg Nog.
Don’t Open Till Christmas, 1984
The Most WTF Plot Keywords: stabbed in the stomach, stabbed in the chest, strangulation, stabbed in the crotch, shot through the mouth, razor murder, knife murder, death by impalement, burnt face, stab wound, multiple murder, deeply disturbed person, psychological trauma, party.
“Somebody with very little Christmas spirit is killing anyone in a Santa suit one London holiday season, and Scotland Yard has to stop him before he makes his exploits an annual tradition.”
Something cheery for the family.
The Most WTF Plot Keywords: underworld, hiding in a cabinet, get out of jail, lower class, masturbation, alcoholism, porn video, pig, neighbor torment, toilet.
Finnish Christmas movies are… interesting.
The Most WTF Plot Keywords: reference to hooked on phonics, kicking someone’s leg under a table, broken nose, reference to lady gaga, pizza.
“After a spontaneous kiss, a struggling designer ends up falling in love with her demanding boss’s boyfriend as she decorates his home for a Christmas party.”
From the director of Sexting in Suburbia, a Lifetime movie.
The Most WTF Plot Keywords: female female hug, talking to inanimate object, dancing girl, pointy ears, female tears.
“Sara Vancamp (‘Eva LaRue’) is a busy mom with no Christmas spirit. Christine (Summer Glau), an elf from Santa’s village who wonders if there could be more to life than making toys in the North Pole, comes to the real world to help the VanCamp family, mom Sara (La Rue), dad Scott (Gauthier), and their two kids, re-discover Christmas spirit.”
Manic Pixie Dream Mom?
The Most WTF Plot Keywords: outer space, burned out house, siphoning electricity, slap on the back of one’s head, camel, blasphemy, sarcasm taken literally, nightie.
“Two neighbors have it out after one of them decorates his house for the holidays so brightly that it can be seen from space.”
Deck the Halls rolls hard.
The Smurfs Christmas Special, 1982
The Most WTF Plot Keywords: lost in woods, missing child, child kidnapping, pudding, sorcerer, belief in heaven, tied up, evil spell, rope, magic, stranger.
“At Christmas, the Smurfs and Gargamel cross paths with two children and a stranger out to kidnap them. Can the magic of Christmas prevail?”
The Smurfs never disappoint.
I’ll Be Home for Christmas, 1998
The Most WTF Plot Keywords: persistent boyfriend, cheating on boyfriend, cheating girlfriend, unfaithful girlfriend, caught in a lie, looking at self in mirror, vomiting in purse, telling someone to shut up, reference to dave matthews, referring to oneself in the third person, abuse, dog licks someone.
“A college student experiences difficulty in getting home for Christmas after being hazed by his friends. While struggling to get home in time for Christmas, he learns quite a bit about himself and the true meaning of the holiday.”
The worst people ever live in I’ll Be Home for Christmas, obviously.